Elephant in the Room: Paul’s Flirtation with Bear Orgies

April 19, 2012

What’s fascinating is that they’re solitary animals, so when they get together in a big group it can get pretty crazy. I’ve heard it’s best to not jump in at the beginning, but to watch so they can get comfortable with your scent-THEN ease in. I don’t know about Pandas. I don’t know if there [...]

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E.E. Cummings At The Customer Service Counter, Home Depot Garden Department

April 16, 2012

every last drop of solace (it is solace, what is   sadness?, you are light) brings forth a gust of snow, or hail, to wet you Right, thank you sir. So much. You mentioned that earlier. But I just need to know if you want this plant in the ceramic planter box or the plastic planter [...]

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The Duggars Discuss Their Favorite Recipes for Placenta

April 12, 2012

Jim Bob Duggar: It wasn’t until, what? The third? Michelle Duggar: John-David, yes. JBD: We… I don’t know what we did with the placentas from our first two kids. Whatever they do with them. MD: Medical waste disposal, or whatever. JBD: But Jesus doesn’t make junk. MD: The body is a sacrament. JBD: If a [...]

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Things You Shouldn’t Have to Say to Strangers

April 11, 2012

I think you sat on my Snickers bar. Actually, it’s not ironic at all. My dad worked for Lovely Ladies Car Wash and gave me this shirt before he died. No, I didn’t do it, I just found the ear and brought it in. Which one of you fucked my wife first? Well I can’t [...]

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In Response: This is How it Feels

April 10, 2012

I know that your question was rhetorical, but I’ll answer it anyway. How does it feel/ to be on your own/ no direction home/ a complete unknown/ like a rolling stone? It feels like shit, Bob. The absolute worst feeling you can imagine. The hopelessness, the spiritual vertigo, the sense that one is drowning in [...]

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My Imaginary Sexual Relationship With Ernie Els

April 9, 2012

I’ve never seen the U.S. Open, not even on on television, so I don’t understand this any more than you do. I’m not a golf fan, I don’t like that weird South African accent, and in all other ways I’m a blue-blooded straight man with a very attractive wife and two lovely kids. But there’s [...]

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Hey Jess, I’m Not Stalking You Anymore

April 6, 2012

Hey Jess-Bear, It’s me, Gary-Copter. And this is the last time I’m going to use our nicknames for each other that I made up for us.  See? Progression.  And before you go calling the police again because I’m violating ‘the restraining order,’  may I just remind you that the US Postal Service is something that [...]

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The Large in the Small

April 5, 2012

Did you know there’s a place in your foot that if you press on it, you void your bowels? Instantly and forcibly? I did not know that. Did you discover this on accident, like while putting on your shoes, or… I was getting a foot massage. It’s called reflexology. All the different places on your [...]

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Things Ice Cube Still Hadn’t Learned to Do By the Early 90s

April 4, 2012

    Play Dominoes without shouting Not put Kim’s ass to sleep  

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Reality Hunger

April 3, 2012

I want to be an oceanographer when I grow up. That would have a lot more credence if you’d said it before we got through watching an episode of Blue Planet. Two hours ago, you wanted to be a therapist helping people with their hoarding problems or drug addictions. And yesterday, you wanted to make [...]

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Seven Reasons My Psychiatrist Doesn’t Believe Me That My Other Personality Is A Retired Navy Commander

April 2, 2012

1. Nothing about my life experience indicates I have any clue what it means to be retired, or even to work for a living. 2. My psychiatrist asked me what the USS Missouri was and I told her probably a technical college in Jefferson City. 3. All of my sexual fantasies involve Army soldiers. And [...]

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Winging It

March 29, 2012

My brother, the moron. He gets jammed up-his wife’s at work and he’s got to do a thing-and asks me if I can babysit. Just for an hour, he says. Ninety minutes, tops. And at the instant he asks, it seems like a reasonable request. I cannot think of a single reason I can’t do [...]

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MC Hammer and His Manager Debate “2 Legit 2 Quit” Hand Gesturing

March 28, 2012

  Hammer, I just think you’re putting too much emphasis on the gesturing and not enough on the dancing. To you it’s gesturing, to me it’s a philosophy. I’m giving people something to help with their self-esteem. But, it sounds like you’re saying that you, Hammer, are too legit to quit, not them. If I [...]

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Open Letter To The Bitch That Denied My Article Submission on CircleOfMoms.com

March 26, 2012

Hey bitch, Let me tell you something. If I want to talk about diaper rash or infant fever, I’m gonna do exactly that. And I know you and your other bitch blogger moms think you know what’s important to every mom in the whole blasted universe, and I’m sure that you all walk around trying [...]

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Why Won’t A&E Return My Email?

March 25, 2012

I am not a licensed masseuse. But I’ve got hands of gold. That’s the first thing I suggested to the folks at A&E: Hands of Gold, Amateur Masseuse. So many ways to spin it. For instance, a reality program where they follow me as I offer massages to random people at the food court in [...]

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