Charles Dickens Ranks The Pornographic Films Loosely Based On His Works From Least To Most Personally Offensive

October 12, 2010

And further, whatever wag unfavorably compared my beard to a merkin can suck it.

6. A Tale of Two Titties

The subtitle of “It was the breast of times, it was the worst of times,” produces within me a mirthful chuckle. Also, nice alliteration.

5. Great Sexpectations

Neither terribly clever in its titling nor terribly odious in its plot, I give it a meh.

4. The Prickwick Papers

Another mid-range sex-spoof of the sort popular in the early eighties, when VHS so transformed the adult entertainment industry. Only insulting in its lack of inspiration and complete ignorance of the source material, which (in my humble estimation) would have made for a delightful XXX romp in better hands.

3. Hard Times

I guess I could have seen this one coming, had I been able to predict the advent and proliferation of hardcore gay porn. Would have ranked as less offensive were it not for the gratuitous condom usage, which makes it completely impossible to suspend disbelief.

2. Oliver Pissed

But even had I been able to predict the above-mentioned, I could not have-the mind recoils-predicted this. At the time of my writing, I thought my sketch of Fagin the most odious character possible. I was wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

1. David Coprofield

I couldn’t have imagined anything worse than Oliver Pissed. But then I saw this. The character of Mr. Edward Turdstone and his treatment of both young David and his mother… well, it’s not art. It’s not even sexual. It’s just fucked up.

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