From the category archives:

The Beetus

Another Thing They Won’t Tell You About The Beetus

April 24, 2012

After you’ve gotten your dodgy A1C results and the doctor sits you down like he or she does it every day and says, “you are diabetic,” they tell you about how you’ll have to check your blood sugar. They tell you how you won’t be able to have one-person cryfests while hogging down a pint [...]

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Reality Hunger

April 3, 2012

I want to be an oceanographer when I grow up. That would have a lot more credence if you’d said it before we got through watching an episode of Blue Planet. Two hours ago, you wanted to be a therapist helping people with their hoarding problems or drug addictions. And yesterday, you wanted to make [...]

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More Shaman Trash Talk

March 22, 2012

What’s that? You don’t think women can be shamans? How about I turn your dick into a mouse turd, and then we’ll talk about whether women can be shamans. Your medicine is weak sauce. Go sell it to the whites. Those dumb sons of bitches will buy anything. If my spirit bag was as droopy [...]

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No, I Don’t Want Sweet Tea

February 2, 2012

  Did I fucking say I wanted sweet tea? This is a Mexican food restaurant. Where do you even know from sweet tea? What? Is the whole goddamned world Macon, Georgia all the sudden? You know what the Beetus rate is among Americans? Does that lead you to suspect that what we as a culture [...]

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Fuck You, Wilford Brimley

July 29, 2010

You’re nothing but a shill for Big ‘Beetus.

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