From the category archives:

Short-shorts

A Rapid Expulsion

October 18, 2011

For the first week or so, it was kind of funny. My girlfriend went around on a kind of existential precipice-her eyes half-squinted, mouth slightly open, nostrils twitching slightly. Then her breathing would deepen, her body tensing, hands out to her sides, forgotten. Her eyelids flutter, a deep intake of breath, and then… nothing. “Mother-humper,” [...]

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Flushing Cabbage

February 2, 2011

Did I feel guilty for all those days I put shredded cabbage down my high school toilet? No. Did Wayne the mute janitor deserve what must have been the most difficult, horrendous-smelling clog of his life? Yes. Why? You need to ask Wayne that one, then wait for him to write out the answer on [...]

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The Loneliness Of The Barefoot Runner

December 14, 2010

At first, she tries to be supportive. “I think it’s great you’re trying something new,” she says. But her voice has that strained quality to it, the same one she had when I joined a ping-pong league, the same one she had when I decided to quit my job to pursue an acting career. Her [...]

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Tapas with Alice Munro

December 10, 2010

She’s there before me, half a pitcher into the sangria. “Thanks for waiting,” I say. “We’ll get another,” she downs another glass, crunches an apple piece. “I’ll pay for the cab.” The sangria is too sweet. Full of syrup. “I asked for it like that,” she says, reading my reaction. “You know I like it [...]

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Scalded

October 31, 2010

I’ve only had two earaches ever. I don’t remember the first—I was eight months old—and at nineteen I feel much too old to have this one. After all, infants get earaches; adults get Hepatitis. I shouldn’t complain—I’m not losing my toes to frostbite—but my eardrum’s throbbing, and every pass of blood feels like Keith Moon’s [...]

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The Murky Fringe Interviews The Japanese Ambassador To The International Whaling Commission

September 21, 2010

The Murky Fringe: Dolphin slaughter. Dude. Seriously? Japanese Ambassador to the International Whaling Commission: I’m sorry? You have a question? TMF: Dude. Seriously. Seriously? JAIWC: I see. You are perhaps desirous of speaking with me about one of the much-maligned and misunderstood hallmarks of the the heritage of the Japanese people, which you westerners… TMF: [...]

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Wednesday

September 17, 2010

When it was announced on Wednesday that Thursday would be the last day, that sometime Thursday evening it would all end, that everything and everyone would suddenly cease to be, Jameer kissed his mother and lifted the car keys from her pocket. He drove forty miles west of Houston before the car ran out of [...]

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And I Say To You In Turn

September 9, 2010

I’m sure that there were moments in the life of Christ Almighty, The Messiah, Jesus, where somebody decided to be douchey to him. Probably not any of the disciples, or the Marys, or anybody like that. No, probably some hating motherfuckers that saw all the love he was getting and wanted to knock him down [...]

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Me and Robert Duvall: Evening in Texas

September 7, 2010

He was probably in his sixties, Robert Duvall, when we used to hang out, but that dude could put back some tequila. Straight from the bottle, that’s how Bobby did it. ‘Nother one, he’d say as we sat in my backyard, sweating, slapping idly at mosquitoes, Lonesome Dove on the TV we dragged out along [...]

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The Discussion

September 4, 2010

Could we maybe not have this discussion tonight? Again? I have work in seven hours. All I’m saying is that I get it. I get it. George Peppard? He’s dead. Can’t be in a movie if you’re dead. Well, most of the time, anyway. Mike, I don’t give a shit. Seriously. And Faceman? I mean, [...]

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Five More Reasons Nana Likes Your Sister Best

August 31, 2010

Your sister has never, ever pointed out that the liver spots on the right side of Nana’s face resemble the Big Dipper. When Nana asks for a pint of gin and a pack of Newports, your sister doesn’t tell mom; she goes and gets the goddamned booze and cigarettes. You read Tuesdays With Morrie to [...]

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Talking Suge Knight, 2Pac Shakur, and Snoop Dogg Through Their Photo Shoot (1996)

August 14, 2010

No, Snoop. For the twentieth time, you cannot be in front. Because Tupac is wearing a Moschino belt buckle and a leather-what would you call that? A bustier?-and we need to get the full effect of that. Plus he’s wearing a beeper. And that suggests connectivity. No, you cannot wear the beeper and bustier. Because [...]

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The Class of 2011

August 12, 2010

Okay, so everybody’s here? Good. We want to get off to a strong start this year, so in my role as senior class president, I’m going to just ask that we, like, throw out some suggestions for our class motto. And no, nothing that involves seven. Or heaven. Sorry, Kevin. I don’t think using your [...]

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The Real Story of my Sole Experience With Three-Card Monte

July 22, 2010

I always tell people that I won at three-card monte. I tell them that the guy showed me the queen (of diamonds, I think) and two aces (clubs and spades), then shuffled the cards around on a cardboard box top (which is true), and then asked me to point to the queen (which I did). [...]

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Phyllis Renews Her Rhetorical Interrogations

July 20, 2010

You don’t think I see you at night, skulking around my windows? Because I do. And don’t let me catch you back by my shed one more time mister, or I’ll call the cops. You think I won’t? Because I will. I know what you and the rest of the glue-sniffing hooligans around here are [...]

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