From the category archives:

One-sided Dialogues

The Other Faces of Meth

December 8, 2011

No. Uh-uh. Absolutely not. No. Meth has not gotten a bad rap. Look, people are not supposed to be able to do anything for eighteen hours straight-drive a truck, frame a house, dance to repetitive music, whatever-so the fact that meth can make you capable of those things, well, that’s not a plus for it. [...]

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Ebeneezer Larchkey, Unsuccessful Snake Oil Salesman (1882)

November 10, 2011

What’s that you say, sir? Well, no. That is to say, I’m not sure. I’ve never heard of anyone drinking this elixir and recovering their generative vitality. What’s that ma’am? No. I don’t believe it will remove unwanted hair. That’s not really what it’s for. Yes sir? No sir. I do not believe it will [...]

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Professor Dan Deever, MFA (Fiction) Iowa ’83, III

November 3, 2011

No, Cassie. Absolutely not. I think it’s wonderful what you’re doing. That was not sarcasm. Okay. It was a little sarcasm. But only about twenty percent. Which is pretty much where I am all the time, in fairness. Just, well, this: Isn’t Portland already occupied? I applaud your efforts, you and your cohorts, just… [...]

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In Defense of Irony

October 20, 2011

Okay, then. You tell me. If being afraid to fly your whole life and then getting into a plane crash once you decide to confront your fear, if that’s not irony-because it seems to me textbook-like freshman in high school irony-then what exactly is irony? Can you provide me with a like web-browser generated response [...]

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Say That Again

October 7, 2011

CONTRIBUTED BY D. HUSKINS (Italy, TX) Say that again. Excuse me? You better watch your mouth dude. I’m not going to take this a whole lot longer, I can tell you that. Keep it up. I’m gonna break that finger off and shove it in your ear. Jam it right in your neck. Do [...]

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When Solids Done Sour

October 4, 2011

You want to make a video game about your life? Hmm… I guess I can see that. It would be kinda meta. People playing a video game about a guy playing video games. A couple of questions, though. No, seriously. I mean, would the part where you sleep twelve hours a day-would that be part [...]

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Son, Are You Trying To Be The Len Bias Of This Here Lumber Yard?

September 16, 2011

You might have all the potential in the world, but if you keep up the partying your body’s gonna quit you. That would not only be a shame to me and the boys at the yard, but to the folks who’ve come to depend on your 2″ x 4″s. You’re just too damn good [...]

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Corner Slinger’s Internal Monologue

May 24, 2011

It’s completely untenable. Completely. In a region where there’s been so many centuries of violence and bloodshed, the vast majority of it—though certainly not all—between the Judeo-Christian and Muslim worlds… Two for tens right now. Nah. We don’t have any raw. Supposed to be some coming around, but I don’t know. Right now is only [...]

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Yes, Leandra, We Are Related To Orangutans…

May 10, 2011

But we aren’t related that way. Well, because Aunt Lois is my mother’s-your grandmother’s-sister, and organgutans… how to put this… we’re related to every human being on earth. Yes, even the homeless people. Yes, even the-the accepted term is Asian, young lady. But it’s been a long, long time since our families were… how to [...]

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Conversations I Don’t Want To Have With People I Don’t Want To Have Them With

May 3, 2011

Well, it was kind of a joke. No, I don’t think terrorism is funny. I wasn’t even in the office at the time. None of that dialogue is mine. I was getting coffee. For everyone. And I spilled one of them and had to go back. And pay for it again, because the hipster douchebag [...]

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Overheard at a Funeral

April 14, 2011

Look, if you’re feeling uncomfortable, we can go. Maybe this is just a bad idea. A really, really, bad idea. It wouldn’t be the first one of those I’ve had. That was a joke. A little levity. To lighten the mood? I don’t guess I’ve told you I tend to alliterate when I’m nervous? No? [...]

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Shaman Trash Talk

March 30, 2011

Get your owl out my face, brujo. My raven will fuck your owl. In the beak.

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Apologizing To The Neighbor

March 17, 2011

I can’t tell you how sorry I am. Yes, I’m very well aware, and again, I’m sorry. No, I don’t know exactly where he would have gotten that from. He’s a huge Tolkien fan, and has seen all of the Lord of the Rings films. Yes, I’m aware of that. No, I didn’t realize how [...]

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Weird Neighbor Situation #447

January 22, 2011

What’s that? You’ll have to speak up. I’m a bit hard of hearing these days. You’re having problems with your what? Your Log? Your Tock? Oh. Dog. I’m sorry to hear that. I guess you wouldn’t be having problems with your tock, at that. Come again? What say? No, no. I’m a retired accountant. I [...]

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Awkward Conversation In The Produce Aisle #397

January 20, 2011

It has been a while, yes. About a year and a half. You were at the movie with the skank you dumped me for. Right. The skank you’d been sleeping with while we were still together, for which I broke up with you. Sorry. No? Why? Did you decide to trade down again? Oh? I’m [...]

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