From the category archives:

Lists

Assessing Your Medicine Bundle

November 18, 2011

  Let’s see, that looks like some type of claw. Raven’s claw? Are you sure? Because it looks like a robin’s claw or a mockingbird’s claw. That’s just weak medicine.   And this? This is fox hair I’m afraid. That’s a small predator. Again, if it had been coyote or wolf, then you’ve got something. [...]

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Wings Melted, The Water Rising Up To Meet Him, Things Unlikely to Have Been on the Mind of Icarus in the Final Moments Before Death

September 30, 2011

CONTRIBUTED BY JAMIE POISSANT dirigibles antipastos Academy Award-winning actress Marlee Matlin how to fit a description of his breakfast, which really was rather sizeable, into 140 characters or less Maurice Sendak how at the end of Transformers they’re making out on top of Bumblebee koala bears how no one’s nose looks like a thumb and [...]

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Possible Responses to Oasis’s Question, “Where Were You While We Were Getting High?”

September 14, 2011

CONTRIBUTED BY LAUREN EGGERT-CROWE (Philadelphia, PA) 1. Buying more Bugle Chips because you fucking ate all of mine, and why haven’t you paid rent yet? 2. Funny story, I was actually caught beneath a landslide. In the Adirondacks. With your mom. She’s got great skiier’s form. 3. Watching reruns of “Charles in Charge.” 4. Well, [...]

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(Secret) Nicknames For Randy’s Clubfoot

August 7, 2011

The Mallet 3 Wood Shillelagh Bea Arthur’s Dick Stilt Big Pivot Country

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To-Do’s and Not-To-Do’s While Watching Our Six-Month-Old Babies

July 11, 2011

Carrie, We realized that we neglected to type up the list of things to keep in mind when you’re watching our babies. Meredith handwrote it first but we figure it is best to make it as clear as we can, so we typed it to make it easier for your eyes. As you know, these [...]

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The High School Nicknames of Shelby Foote

June 15, 2011

The Fetish Hammer Toe Dogs Mister Blister Old Pees His Pants      

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Quotes From a Drunken Police Sketch Artist

June 8, 2011

“So I says to her I say, ‘Then why don’t YOU draw his fucking hair lip if this ain’t right?’” “I’ve drawn a Malaysian. And Cambodians. And Thai. Fuck you think you’re dealing with?” “Oh, is that how you sketch corn-rows?” “What part of ‘I DON’T do hats!’ don’t understand?!” “Well, one of you’s going [...]

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“I Statements” to Howard, My Thai Supercuts Stylist

May 13, 2011

“I feel left out when you make jokes with the other stylists in Thai and I can’t understand.” “I believe I have enough product from the last time I was here.” “I am frustrated when you ask me something too quickly, and I don’t know what you said.” “I feel like you’re just trying to [...]

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Places in the Body My Brother Would Go If He and His One-Man Submarine Were the Size of a Red Blood Cell

May 1, 2011

1. Gall Bladder 2. Colon 3. Urethra 4. Aureolas 5. Heart 6. Most Glands 7. Sinuses 8. Bladder 9. Eardrum 10. Spleen

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Insulting And/Or Taboo Subjects To Bring Up With Cattle Thieves

February 20, 2011

Stealing dairy cows. Hangings. Fake branding irons. The total absence of personal accountability in a posse. Separating a heifer from her calf. Barbed wire. Ambition (or a lack thereof). Texas Rangers. Impotence exposed at a cat house (most certainly caused by deep-seeded regret and shame at stealing). The phrase “real cowboys.”

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The MF Polls Female Inmates On Whether Usher Has Earned the Right to Use the Phrase “Burn This Motherfucker Down!”

February 11, 2011

Janine T. : No Louise E. : I guess. Sheena B. : Hell no. Vanessa J. : Get out my face. Darlene P. : No Regina D. : I got no problem with it. Then again, I’d probably kill him for the fun of it. Allison B. : No Shania D. : No Esther P. [...]

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Yahweh Remembers the 10 Plagues of Egypt

January 30, 2011

Water to Blood: “When you’re working with 10 plagues, you’ve got to pace yourself. You want to start off strong-obviously-but not too strong. You can’t set everyone on fire, for example, right off the bat. Yet, you’ve got to get people’s attention. Water to blood is terrifying, yes, but nobody is hurt directly-even if you’re [...]

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What Your Brother Steven Can Do With His “Notary Public” Certification

January 26, 2011

1. Send a copy to your father with the words: “No matter how hard you tried to stop me, I made it.” 2. Frame it on top of the 7th Grade Student of the Month Award, which he has displayed in his office. 3. Use it to finally talk shit to all the guys who [...]

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Things I Probably Wouldn’t Have Time For If Grover Cleveland Returned From The Grave to Lead An Army Of The Undead In A Nationwide Zombiepocalyptic Orgy Of Slaughter

January 25, 2011

1. Cuing up my Netflix account so I can see for myself what all the fuss about Madmen is about. 2. Double-checking my tax return. 3. Working up the nerve to ask out Rachel from accounts receivable. 4. Taking my Nana to the podiatrist to get her toenails cut. 5. Deciding once and for all [...]

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Mussolini

January 18, 2011

Mussolini poking pins in a map he doesn’t recognize. Mussolini trying to decide between the ceviche and the braised short ribs. Mussolini going in for the high-five and then pretending like he hadn’t. Mussolini saying his own name until it loses all meaning. Mussolini suggesting he and his date go Dutch on the check. Mussolini [...]

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