From the category archives:

Letters

In Response: This is How it Feels

April 10, 2012

I know that your question was rhetorical, but I’ll answer it anyway. How does it feel/ to be on your own/ no direction home/ a complete unknown/ like a rolling stone? It feels like shit, Bob. The absolute worst feeling you can imagine. The hopelessness, the spiritual vertigo, the sense that one is drowning in [...]

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Hey Jess, I’m Not Stalking You Anymore

April 6, 2012

Hey Jess-Bear, It’s me, Gary-Copter. And this is the last time I’m going to use our nicknames for each other that I made up for us.  See? Progression.  And before you go calling the police again because I’m violating ‘the restraining order,’  may I just remind you that the US Postal Service is something that [...]

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8th Letter to My Unborn Daughter: Regrets, or a General Lack of Courage

August 10, 2011

  Hey Nicole, It’s me again. I don’t want you to assume that I love you more than your mother just because she refuses to write you. (Clearly, she’s making up for it.) Perhaps I’m just more in touch with my feelings (and faults) than your mother. She’d have to actually admit to having either, [...]

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A Generic Letter of Recommendation For Anyone

June 22, 2011

  CONTRIBUTED BY JAMES BEST (Brooklyn, NY) Dear (Company, Important Person, Manhunter), You are going to love (your name here).  Like love love.  When I hired/found/cohabitated with the person I named, I asked him/her straight up, “Are you Adonis/Female Adonis?” And (name) smiled that bewitching/blast furnace smile and I almost died/explodified.  If there was a [...]

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Letters to The Murky Fringe, Volume VII

June 10, 2011

Dear The Murky Fringe, My dad sees things all the time he calls “murky” in reference to your site. He also says, “that’s so murky” as if it were common for people to say. Sometimes he’s close, but I don’t think he captures the essence of what makes something “murky,” so to speak. Here are [...]

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Excerpt From My Saskatchewan Pen Pal Letter

April 24, 2011

“Why do you call the place where you keep Native Americans reserves and not reservations?”

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Rock & Roll Legend Shane Macgowan Responds

March 19, 2011

Nah thut’ve gah mah choppers fixed, yah mingin’ cahnts, what’ll yeh be ahn about? Ye’ve gah fuck all. Dead fackin’ nothin. Though, fer fair, yer mum and yer sister dinnae mind me withoot ‘em.  

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A Social Security Administrator Responds

January 15, 2011

Dear Editors of The Murky Fringe: I would like kindly request that you take down the post of 14 January entitled “How I Remember My Husband’s Social Security Number.” While I understand that the person who wrote the post was (quite understandably) hurt by her husband’s indiscretions (and possibly in denial about them) and the [...]

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Slandered Oil: A Wesson Executive Responds

December 2, 2010

Dear editors of The Murky Fringe: It has come to the attention of our legal department that in a weblog post on or about 31 October of this year, on your web site, themurkyfringe.com, you or one of your representatives knowingly and without prior authorization used our trademarked brand name “Wesson” in describing the (really [...]

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Consecutive Comment Cards from Wendell’s All-You-Can-Eat Buffet and Salad Bar

October 26, 2010

Comment Card #1: Love the salad  bar. Kinda running low on bacon bits. Just a heads up. Comment Card #2: Great as always except the bacon bits were nearly gone. Couldn’t get a second salad Comment Card #3: Wondering about the bacon bits. Haven’t seem them in a while. Everything alright? Comment Card #4: Is anyone trying [...]

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Letter To Teacher From Dairy Farmer Prior to 2nd Grade Field Trip

October 10, 2010

Dear Miss Frazier, I am, at best, apprehensive about your visit to our dairy farm. The McGoldrick Dairy has been part of my family for four generations, and in that time we have endured a Depression, two barn fires, and a tornado that took the roof to the next county over. The McGoldricks are survivors. [...]

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Ask The Prune Guy, Ray Hoeffer

September 29, 2010

People keep telling me to eat prunes when I’m constipated, but I find that they only block me up even more. Like I’m throwing soggy bags of Quick-crete on top of a beaver dam hoping for a miracle. Any suggestions? Blocked in Bakersfield, CA Well Blocked, I’m going to tell you what I tell everyone: [...]

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A Groundhog Responds

August 26, 2010

Ladies- How kind, how generous, I found your clever little piece of some weeks ago. Hairy duffel bag, falling down a flight of stairs. Too, too cute. If it weren’t for the fact that your species eliminated all the animals that predated upon you, you might know the terror that strikes the heart when you [...]

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Motivational Letter for a Short-Armed Girl Who Wants to be a Trapeze Catcher

August 1, 2010

Danielle, Your mother tells me that you want to be a trapeze artist-a catcher, in fact-but lately you’ve started to doubt your dream. I understand that doubt, Danielle. When I was a little boy I wanted to be a writer just like Mark Twain, but everyone said that my Negro characters sounded like racist stereotypes. [...]

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Apology for a Botched Trust Fall

June 23, 2010

Dear Jaques, I’m sorry I didn’t catch you. I guess when it all comes down to it, I don’t really trust myself. Regards, Carly P.S. My brother knows a wheelchair guy if you need one of those kind you steer with your mouth.

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