From the category archives:

Family

The Duggars Discuss Their Favorite Recipes for Placenta

April 12, 2012

Jim Bob Duggar: It wasn’t until, what? The third? Michelle Duggar: John-David, yes. JBD: We… I don’t know what we did with the placentas from our first two kids. Whatever they do with them. MD: Medical waste disposal, or whatever. JBD: But Jesus doesn’t make junk. MD: The body is a sacrament. JBD: If a [...]

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Reality Hunger

April 3, 2012

I want to be an oceanographer when I grow up. That would have a lot more credence if you’d said it before we got through watching an episode of Blue Planet. Two hours ago, you wanted to be a therapist helping people with their hoarding problems or drug addictions. And yesterday, you wanted to make [...]

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Winging It

March 29, 2012

My brother, the moron. He gets jammed up-his wife’s at work and he’s got to do a thing-and asks me if I can babysit. Just for an hour, he says. Ninety minutes, tops. And at the instant he asks, it seems like a reasonable request. I cannot think of a single reason I can’t do [...]

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Open Letter To The Bitch That Denied My Article Submission on CircleOfMoms.com

March 26, 2012

Hey bitch, Let me tell you something. If I want to talk about diaper rash or infant fever, I’m gonna do exactly that. And I know you and your other bitch blogger moms think you know what’s important to every mom in the whole blasted universe, and I’m sure that you all walk around trying [...]

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Dear Facebook Couples Who Share Profiles

March 15, 2012

They’re free, you know. The profiles. They don’t cost anything. You could each have one, if you wanted. James’n’Jenna, Stacey’n’Sean, I’m looking at y’all. It’s like how back in the day, ladies identities disappeared when they got hitched. They became Mrs. Michael DuPlant. Or Mrs. Philip Garrison. You are (hopefully) individuals. Act like it. Is [...]

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The Murky Fringe Interviews Your Mom

March 13, 2012

The Murky Fringe: What happened? Were you, like, partying a lot when you were pregnant? Your Mom: It was the seventies. The late seventies, but still. TMF: But on what? Gasoline? Lead paint? Industrial solvents? YM: No. Nothing like that. I smoked a little pot. On occasion. For my nerves. And was doing a little [...]

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Spam for Dinner Again?

March 6, 2012

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

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More of Grandpa Phil’s Prejudices and Stereotypes

February 28, 2012

Males nurses don’t wash their hands as often as regular nurses. You can just tell. I don’t like to have gas station attendants look me in the eye. It feels like they’re challenging me. I’m not saying there isn’t a woman out there who couldn’t, but I’ve never met a women who could dress out [...]

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My Brother Whispering to me at my Grandmother’s Funeral

February 16, 2012

She looks good. Real natural. Those funeral home people did a real good job. She never treated me any different. I loved that about her. And she could cook. You remember that skillet she had? That cast iron skillet? I remember one time she made me mincemeat fried pies in that skillet. You remember that? [...]

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The Murky Fringe Interviews A Dead Policeman’s Wake In An Irish Pub

February 13, 2012

The Murky Fringe: You’re so poetic. Dead Policeman’s Wake In An Irish Pub: It isn’t always easy. Never gonna be. And it ain’t simple either. Consider that. We work. This is what we do. MF: Where do you find the strength? DPWIP: Look at the seams in the uniform. Look at the blue. It’s the [...]

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Sarcastic Answers to Rhetorical Questions Through a Closed Door: 1985

February 9, 2012

Yes, I am still in here. Perhaps I will use all the hot water. It’s still a little early to tell. Yes, I am planning on staying in here all day. No, I was not aware that other people might need to use the bathroom. No, I was not aware that there was only one [...]

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Requiscat in Pace

January 31, 2012

Requiscat in Pace, Clara Peller. You were more than the “Where’s the beef?” lady, although the world was too ready to discount you as nothing more than that: a pop culture sound-bite, shuffled off to the rummage bin of history. No. You were a prophet crying out in the wilderness during the greed-mongering eighties. You [...]

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Calling Back My Brother Phil, The Emotionally Vulnerable Skinhead

January 30, 2012

Hey Phil. What’s going on, I saw you called. No I actually haven’t talked with mom in a couple weeks. What’s she— No way. Really? To where, to Cabo? That dude is fucking loaded. Jesus, dad would be turning over in his grave. Wow. So what’s new with you? Still working at the warehouse? Oh [...]

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Spitting Out The Butt-ends of my Days and Ways: Explaining Tattoos to my Eight-year-old

January 24, 2012

Well, so Depeche Mode was this really great band-they may still be a band, for all I know. And Daddy was eighteen years old. This image right here comes from the cover of their album Violator. The reason you’ve never heard them is that Daddy doesn’t really listen to them anymore. Because people change. That’s [...]

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I Quit Going to Dinner With my Dad

January 17, 2012

It wasn’t that he snapped at the waitstaff. Although I’m sure they adulterated our food for that. It was his “little joke” of licking the credit card before handing it to the waitress. It was gross, yes. But mostly it was unsettling.

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