From the category archives:

Contributed

Warning Signs Your Kid May Sleep Murder You

January 13, 2012

CONTRIBUTED BY JAMES BEST  (BROOKLYN, NEW YORK) Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Bothwell. Welcome to Parent-Teacher Conferences.  I’m Mr. Gerchen.  And thanks for bringing Kevin as well.  Now I know the principal and the music teacher and the cafeteria workers are all worried about him.  But let me assure you, I do not think all signs [...]

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I Approve this Message: Outtakes from Rick Perry’s “Strong” Ad Campaign

January 11, 2012

Fuck ties CONTRIBUTED BY JAMIE POISSANT (ORLANDO, FL) I’m Rick Perry, and I approve this coat. I’m Rick Perry, and I’m openly heterosexual. I’m Rick Perry, and my hair parts to the left. I’m Rick Perry, and I still remember the cheat code to Contra. I’m Rick Perry, and these are pants. I’m Rick Perry, and [...]

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What I Need to Say on This, the Last Day of the Flip-Flop Convention

November 23, 2011

Contributed by Jason Nemec (Cincinatti, OH)  I want to start by thanking all three of you for joining me in our quiet, clean room here at the Denver Hyatt, especially since the closing reception and Sockless Hop are about to start, and you’d probably rather be down there in the Grand Ballroom making bad decisions [...]

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Say That Again

October 7, 2011

CONTRIBUTED BY D. HUSKINS (Italy, TX)   Say that again. Excuse me? You better watch your mouth dude. I’m not going to take this a whole lot  longer, I can tell you that. Keep it up. I’m gonna break that finger off and shove it in your ear. Jam it right in your neck. Do [...]

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Wings Melted, The Water Rising Up To Meet Him, Things Unlikely to Have Been on the Mind of Icarus in the Final Moments Before Death

September 30, 2011

CONTRIBUTED BY JAMIE POISSANT dirigibles antipastos Academy Award-winning actress Marlee Matlin how to fit a description of his breakfast, which really was rather sizeable, into 140 characters or less Maurice Sendak how at the end of Transformers they’re making out on top of Bumblebee koala bears how no one’s nose looks like a thumb and [...]

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Possible Responses to Oasis’s Question, “Where Were You While We Were Getting High?”

September 14, 2011

CONTRIBUTED BY LAUREN EGGERT-CROWE (Philadelphia, PA) 1. Buying more Bugle Chips because you fucking ate all of mine, and why haven’t you paid rent yet? 2. Funny story, I was actually caught beneath a landslide. In the Adirondacks. With your mom. She’s got great skiier’s form. 3. Watching reruns of “Charles in Charge.” 4. Well, [...]

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A Generic Letter of Recommendation For Anyone

June 22, 2011

  CONTRIBUTED BY JAMES BEST (Brooklyn, NY) Dear (Company, Important Person, Manhunter), You are going to love (your name here).  Like love love.  When I hired/found/cohabitated with the person I named, I asked him/her straight up, “Are you Adonis/Female Adonis?” And (name) smiled that bewitching/blast furnace smile and I almost died/explodified.  If there was a [...]

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Perspective Gained from the Wayback

March 16, 2011

CONTRIBUTED BY JAMES BEST When you travel looking backwards, you never seem to arrive anywhere. When you say Wayback, you have to realize not everyone knows it refers to the rear facing back seat in a station wagon. And by everyone, you mean Grant Jergens, the richest kid in your school.  His dad drives a [...]

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Fiefdom Town Crier Annual Tithe Drive, c. 1387

November 5, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY MAX LIEBERMAN (Tucson, AZ) OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT — PLEASE DO NOT REDISTRIBUTE ORTOLF: …Which is why it is best to keep the wheat in a dry place where the vermin can’t get it. ARNULF: Haha, we sure should. We’ll return to Ortolf the Leper’s story about wheat production in a moment, but first we’d [...]

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An Early Draft of Genesis

October 27, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY RYAN FORSYTHE (San Diego, CA) On the first day, God said, “Let there be light.”  And there was light. And when God saw what he had done, he said it was good.  It really brightened up the place. Next, God created the heavens, but he’s not clear on whether this was late on [...]

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Superhero Penis Envy

April 1, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY DANIEL MCDERMOTT (Boston,MA) “I say Spiderman. It’s gotta be Spiderman.” “Spidy? No way. What makes you say that?” “Are you kidding me? Have you seen the bulge on that nimble little bastard?” “What bulge?” “Whadda you mean, what bulge? His suit is like one millimeter thick; just look at him.” “That’s not a [...]

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Finding Out About My Grandmother’s Death While in Basic Training

March 11, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY PR GRIFFIS (Austin, TX) At ease, Private. (assuming parade rest) Yes, Drill Sergeant. Private, I’m afraid I’ve got some very sad news for you. Drill Sergeant, you aren’t sending me home because I’m patently unfit for military service, and it’s stunningly obvious to everyone here that I’ve made a life-destroying mistake, Drill Sergeant? [...]

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A Review of Every Pizzeria in New Jersey Actually Worth a Damn

March 4, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY EIRIK GUMENY (New Jersey) At first glance, the pizzeria isn’t anything special. At second glance, it’s still not. It’s a tiny little space in the middle of a strip mall, next to that Korean nail place your sister goes to. The neon in the window advertises PIZ A, HEROS, and CALZONES. The specials [...]

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Omnivore

February 25, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY  YT SUMNER (Melbourne, Australia) The only thing I don’t like about the Aquarium is the smell. It stinks. Not so bad as working in a butchers, which I did once for work experience. I lasted the whole week but I never ate red meat again. People get pissed off when I eat fish [...]

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Submission Guidelines (Revised)

February 18, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY DANIEL McDERMOTT (Boston, MA) Attention Writers: Read all submission guidelines before submitting your work.  You’ll know you’ve accomplished this when you reach the bottom of the page and there are no more words to read.  If you reach what you think is the bottom of the page and feel stuck in mid-sentence, scroll down and [...]

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