From the category archives:

competitive endurance sports

Dear Facebook Couples Who Share Profiles

March 15, 2012

They’re free, you know. The profiles. They don’t cost anything. You could each have one, if you wanted. James’n’Jenna, Stacey’n’Sean, I’m looking at y’all. It’s like how back in the day, ladies identities disappeared when they got hitched. They became Mrs. Michael DuPlant. Or Mrs. Philip Garrison. You are (hopefully) individuals. Act like it. Is [...]

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I am the Roger Federer of DIY Home Renovation (Per David Foster Wallace’s Essay)

March 8, 2012

People ask me what it’s like to be so quick with home renovations. “Man,” they say, “It’s got to be like living in a montage. In the length of time it takes to listen to an inspirational Frank Stallone song, you’ve like gotten all the furniture out of the house, everything stripped down and repainted, [...]

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Thankgiving Haiku*, Nathan Rogers (Age 9)

November 24, 2011

  Paw-Paw Screams “Pants Broke!” Uncles Burning J’s, Skynrd Sneaking Beers is Cool _________________________ Mom and Dad Hate-Smile Burned Pumpkin Pie, O’er-Fried Bird Wish They’d Get Divorced _________________________ Televised Football Too High on Turkey to Care Like Tao: Win, Lose: Same _________________________ *Haiku, Plural of Self? Surely Not Stem-Change Like “Mice” Google Would Tell Me

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Calling it “Artisinal” Stripping Doesn’t Change Anything

November 17, 2011

You’re still shaking it for money in Federal Way, Washington. Federal Way ain’t Seattle, honey. It ain’t even Olympia.

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A Lesser Spirit of Adventure

September 22, 2011

From the time I was very young, I read books about the explorers of the Americas. Mostly the white, post-Revolutionary War ones, but also Cabeza de Vaca, Ponce de Leon, and of course Columbus. This was back when-at least in the mostly white town where I grew up-Columbus was still seen as an intrepid explorer [...]

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Disgraced Champions of Facial Coiffure

September 6, 2011

Roger Deanswithy   Tested positive for Elmer’s Glue during the 2003 World Beard-Off in Frankfurt. Stanley Morowitz   Traces of animal fibers-polar bear and Schnauzer-found in his beard during the 1994 Pan-Am Hair Games Larry Candlewise   Tested positive for Rogaine-masking substances during random screening in connection with Beard-gate. Dan Haggerty   Stripped of lifetime [...]

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Drafting at the Piggly Wiggly

August 27, 2011

Just, if you’re going to be like this… Honey, town line sign sprints are a hallowed tradition in bicycling. Okay. Let’s put aside for the moment that you don’t own a bike. There’s still the question of where exactly a town sign is in the grocery store. It’s the natural delineations. Frozen foods. Stuff you [...]

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The Third Lonliest Number

August 18, 2011

Dear Murky Fringe: I recently read your post entitled “If One Is the Loneliest Number You’ll Ever Do, and Two … Is the Loneliest Number Since The Number One, What is the Third Loneliest Number?” Which post, I realize, was at least partly rhetorical (and which was certainly the longest post title I’ve personally ever [...]

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The Tandem Bicycling Couple in Therapy

August 13, 2011

  Dr. O’Connell: So, how have things been since last we talked? Mitch: Great. Really great. Kathy: Fucking horrible. And that he says Great confirms my long-held suspicions that he is either (a) A huge and convincing liar, (b) A complete sociopath, (c) The most oblivious motherfucker who ever lived, or (d) All the above. [...]

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Training For Your First Marathon Sack Race

July 9, 2011

You’ve set yourself the goal of competing in your first real Distance Sack Race. No more 5.3K or 9.2K fun-hops for you. Great! Understand, though, that the difference between the fun-hop and the DSR is something closely akin to the difference between walking up the three flights of stairs at your office and climbing Mount [...]

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