From the category archives:

Be Not Proud

Yet More Excerpts From Another Awkward Eulogy…

May 14, 2011

Tim: And now, if you’ll all open your programs to page seventeen… Mother: Tim, son, it’s just me and your father here. You know that, right? And you know that we love you, and that’s why we’re here. To support you in your time of need, because that’s what loving parents do. Which we are. [...]

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Be Not Proud: Excerpt From An Awkward Eulogy In Utah

January 10, 2011

Ted Rickards—this is the name we’re using? I saw it on the program; I still can’t believe that’s the name— Ted Rickards… I don’t know how to say this. Okay, whew, deep breath—I’ll just say it: Ted Rickards was the mother of my child. My beautiful daughter, Alice—she’s back there on the right—was born to [...]

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In Memoriam: Ralph Folger, Knife Channel Emcee

October 2, 2010

Friends, my being here before you with a blood alcohol level below .08 while the sun is still in the sky is my way of paying final respects to the man who taught me everything worthwhile in life that I know, including but not limited to drinking during the day as a way to combat [...]

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My Uncle Leonard’s Hawaiian Shirt

August 5, 2010

It was all of a piece-the lighter with a naked lady on it he got at some bar in Subic Bay, Philippines (the PI, he used to call the Philippines, when he spoke of it at all, which was rarely, since he rarely spoke at all), the unfiltered Chesterfield cigarette permanently smoldering in the corner [...]

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Another Awkward Eulogy

June 24, 2010

I’ll always remember the first piece of advice Grandpa Bill gave me. “Always make sure the guys you’re with wear a rubber,” he said. “You don’t know what kind of women they might have been with before you. And women, they have all kinds of diseases, you know, down there.” I was eight, maybe nine [...]

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Be Not Proud: Another Excerpt From An Awkward Eulogy

January 17, 2010

Ray gave great eulogies-we all know that. He eulogized both my parents, our sister, my Aunt Kay, and our uncle, Father Steven. So here I am about to eulogize the King of the Eulogy, and I’ve lost my notes. Ray didn’t have notes, of course. He spoke from the heart. But I’m not Ray. In [...]

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More Excerpts From Awkward Eulogies

November 13, 2009

1. Honestly, we were so relieved he passed in his sleep. All those years at the paper mill, we thought for sure he’d get killed on the job. And I don’t have to spell it out for you. Saws. 2. Uncle Mort once said to me, Randal, you’re not much of a hat type-of-guy are [...]

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Be Not Proud: Excerpts From Awkward Eulogies

October 14, 2009

First of all, Alison, I really appreciate the opportunity to memorialize your brother. I know there were others to consider, but you chose me and I’m grateful. It’s a privilege, really, a once-and-a-lifetime chance for a guy like me. And to think that you, Alison Baker, Homecoming Queen, would pick me, Seth Armiston, well again, [...]

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