From the category archives:

Animals

I’m The Seabiscuit Of Greyhounds

February 27, 2012

Where’s my fucking movie, huh? Look at these scars. Look. No, you look, right now. See that? See the terror that is my leg? That was a leg break. Seabiscuit? Dude pretty much sprains his fucking ankle, and then the whole world shits itself when he wins a race, like, two years later. Meanwhile I have [...]

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Reasons I’m Not Afraid of Sharks

January 20, 2012

1. I don’t know any sharks. 2. Ok, let’s say I was going to meet some. Like at a party I was invited to by some mutual aquatic life acquaintance .  I couldn’t just stereotype them, could I? I should at least meet them, right? 3. So I’m at this party and my friend, Greg, [...]

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My Pet Albino Raccoon, Sylvester

December 22, 2011

Sylvester, sitting in the living room, watching old Sally Jesse Raphael episodes on VHS. Sylvester, dragging his balls through the Jello salad. Sylvester, running up like eight hundred bucks in phone sex charges. Sylvester, smoking up all my weed while I’m at work. Sylvester, prank-calling my ex-girlfriends. Sylvester, drinking too much and refusing to take [...]

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8 Reasons Why Bill Plummer Shouldn’t Be Honkytonkin’ With My Ex-Wife Linda

October 3, 2011

1. First and foremost. Me and Bill been friends for I don’t know how long. Certain lines you just don’t cross. 2. I’ve seen the way Bill Plummer honkytonks. Everyone has. Might as well just stop with the pretense and press that penis onto her hip, is what we always say. 3. The man wears [...]

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Avoiding Explaining Death to Your Five-Year Old

September 24, 2011

Daddy, look. A dead squirrel. That squirrel’s not dead. He’s not? No. Then why is he laying in the road like that? He’s taking a nap. On the road. Because it’s warm. That’s why I tell you not to play in the street. Why? Because the street is so warm. It soaks up the sun’s [...]

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The Flenser’s Lament

August 20, 2011

I started flensing because I thought it was something I could do in the days, something that wouldn’t take up a whole lot of mental space when I was off the clock, which would ensure I had plenty of time to work on my art. My art was going to be my ticket out of [...]

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The Summer I Danced With Horses

August 1, 2011

David always knew. He was my teacher. He always knew. How can I describe it? It was like this: the moment before I would even think to go left-left, or to turn, or curtsy, David would lead me there. I know it sounds crazy, but he was inside my own mind. I’m convinced of it, [...]

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Teaching Moment #4 in the Life of Becca Mertz, Age 7

July 28, 2011

It’s okay to be sad, Becca. I’m not sad, Mommy. You loved Chester, and now he’s gone, and I’m proud of you for being so brave, but if you need to cry, Mommy understands. I mean, all he did was swim around. He seemed kind of lonely. Maybe it’s better this way. The passing of [...]

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My Pet Pangolin, Edwin

July 26, 2011

Edwin, refusing to roll into a ball at parties. Edwin, refusing to fly coach. Edwin, getting drunk and bemoaning the death of apartheid. Edwin, espousing ill-informed libertarian views. Edwin, calling our next-door neighbor’s teenage daughter late at night. Edwin, asking our next-door neighbor’s teenage daughter what flavor her panties are. Edwin, reminding her that pangolins [...]

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