From the category archives:

Absurdities

My Second Most Humiliating Break-up

April 26, 2012

ME: Welcome to Arby’s. May I take your order? RACHEL: Jeff, we need to talk. ME: Please drive up to the first window. RACHEL: I think it’s better this way. ASSHOLE JOCK: Order me some curly fries, okay? ME: Who the fuck is that? ASSHOLE JOCK: Get me some fucking curly fries, nerd. RACHEL: I [...]

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Burt Gibson: University of Phoenix Dance Team Choreographer / Accountant / Foster Home Volunteer

April 25, 2012

I love coaching dance with distance learning students, but family comes first. My wife and my foster kids; kids, I hope, who will take to halftime performances at sporting events as much as I have.  

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Werner Herzog Moderates a Discussion Between Tina Yothers and Keisha Knight Pulliam

April 20, 2012

Werner Herzog: You were both chosen to be the verbose, to be the contrary, to be the youngest who speaks plainly and often. Tina Yothers: The smart-aleck, annoying younger sister, yes. Keisha Knight Pulliam: Rudy Huxtable wasn’t annoying. Smart-aleck, yes, but not annoying. Rudy was cute. WH: Which of you feels more sorrow, I wonder? [...]

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This is the Downton Abbey of Trailer Parks

April 20, 2012

I’m telling you, Mr. Reporter, we’ve got a regular Downton Abbey, honest to Oprah, class system in this here mobile home community.  Maybe not to the uneducated (or should I say educated?) eye, but there is a whole system of haves and havenots that makes this place downright soapish. Take Mr. Timmerson.  That is not [...]

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Elephant in the Room: Paul’s Flirtation with Bear Orgies

April 19, 2012

What’s fascinating is that they’re solitary animals, so when they get together in a big group it can get pretty crazy. I’ve heard it’s best to not jump in at the beginning, but to watch so they can get comfortable with your scent-THEN ease in. I don’t know about Pandas. I don’t know if there [...]

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The Duggars Discuss Their Favorite Recipes for Placenta

April 12, 2012

Jim Bob Duggar: It wasn’t until, what? The third? Michelle Duggar: John-David, yes. JBD: We… I don’t know what we did with the placentas from our first two kids. Whatever they do with them. MD: Medical waste disposal, or whatever. JBD: But Jesus doesn’t make junk. MD: The body is a sacrament. JBD: If a [...]

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Things You Shouldn’t Have to Say to Strangers

April 11, 2012

I think you sat on my Snickers bar. Actually, it’s not ironic at all. My dad worked for Lovely Ladies Car Wash and gave me this shirt before he died. No, I didn’t do it, I just found the ear and brought it in. Which one of you fucked my wife first? Well I can’t [...]

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In Response: This is How it Feels

April 10, 2012

I know that your question was rhetorical, but I’ll answer it anyway. How does it feel/ to be on your own/ no direction home/ a complete unknown/ like a rolling stone? It feels like shit, Bob. The absolute worst feeling you can imagine. The hopelessness, the spiritual vertigo, the sense that one is drowning in [...]

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My Imaginary Sexual Relationship With Ernie Els

April 9, 2012

I’ve never seen the U.S. Open, not even on on television, so I don’t understand this any more than you do. I’m not a golf fan, I don’t like that weird South African accent, and in all other ways I’m a blue-blooded straight man with a very attractive wife and two lovely kids. But there’s [...]

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The Large in the Small

April 5, 2012

Did you know there’s a place in your foot that if you press on it, you void your bowels? Instantly and forcibly? I did not know that. Did you discover this on accident, like while putting on your shoes, or… I was getting a foot massage. It’s called reflexology. All the different places on your [...]

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Things Ice Cube Still Hadn’t Learned to Do By the Early 90s

April 4, 2012

    Play Dominoes without shouting Not put Kim’s ass to sleep  

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Reality Hunger

April 3, 2012

I want to be an oceanographer when I grow up. That would have a lot more credence if you’d said it before we got through watching an episode of Blue Planet. Two hours ago, you wanted to be a therapist helping people with their hoarding problems or drug addictions. And yesterday, you wanted to make [...]

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Winging It

March 29, 2012

My brother, the moron. He gets jammed up-his wife’s at work and he’s got to do a thing-and asks me if I can babysit. Just for an hour, he says. Ninety minutes, tops. And at the instant he asks, it seems like a reasonable request. I cannot think of a single reason I can’t do [...]

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MC Hammer and His Manager Debate “2 Legit 2 Quit” Hand Gesturing

March 28, 2012

  Hammer, I just think you’re putting too much emphasis on the gesturing and not enough on the dancing. To you it’s gesturing, to me it’s a philosophy. I’m giving people something to help with their self-esteem. But, it sounds like you’re saying that you, Hammer, are too legit to quit, not them. If I [...]

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Why Won’t A&E Return My Email?

March 25, 2012

I am not a licensed masseuse. But I’ve got hands of gold. That’s the first thing I suggested to the folks at A&E: Hands of Gold, Amateur Masseuse. So many ways to spin it. For instance, a reality program where they follow me as I offer massages to random people at the food court in [...]

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