Being gay in the 80s means never saying you're sorry for weird shades.

INT. PRINCE AND COMPANY MEN’S BATHROOM

Johnathan Switcher, the window dresser, and Hollywood, the amusing gay stereotype, are both washing their hands at the marble sink.

HOLLYWOOD

So let me get this straight. And honey, I don’t mean me.

 JOHNATHAN

Classic. Sure, go on.

 HOLLYWOOD

She got cursed to find true love way back in Egypt land and got turned into a statue/mannequin but she’s been waking up from time to time to sleep with famous dudes.

JOHNATHAN

That’s the gist.

 HOLLYWOOD

So she’s like a time slut.

JOHNATHAN

That harsh.  She’s had her adventures.  That’s not what I’m pissed about though.

Johnathan pulls down the paper towel a little forcibly.

 HOLLYWOOD

Go on, baby. I’m listening.

JOHNATHAN

So she’s basically immortal, right? With a few handicaps. But in all these centuries, she hasn’t picked up like one book?  Taken one class? What a waste.

HOLLYWOOD

It seems to me she squandered a great opportunity. Just like when I squandered the opportunity to see George Michael’s naked butt when we were at the same sauna.

 JOHNATHAN

I love it when you make things gay. So I’m saying, how can I be with someone this shortsighted? She had this rare opportunity to see the span of human history and she spent it in bed.

HOLLYWOOD

Sugar, I want her life. Her un-life or whatever.

Johnathan kicks open a bathroom door in anger.

JOHNATHAN

Can you just stop kidding for one second?!  Stop commenting on everything!  I’m serious here.  I’m thinking of marrying this girl but I feel like I’m looking at a criminal.  Like she murdered opportunity!

 HOLLYWOOD

I’m sorry. It’s hard to be a gay man in the 80s. Everyone wants jokes and catty judgments but no one wants to deal with the fact that I’m a complex individual.  I’m not just a punchline, Johnathan.

JOHNATHAN

I know you’re not. I’m sorry. Maybe I just have cold feet about this wedding. But I have so many questions.  If she stops loving me, will she re-mannequin? Or is that too depressing for a sequel? What if she can’t have kids? Did that curse calcify her womb?

HOLLYWOOD

Let’s forget about it and do some blow. It’s the 80s after all.

 JOHNATHAN

Now you’re talking. Line me up, Best Man.

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I guess when you first asked me to come over to your place and lay across your big brass bed, I thought you were interested in me. As in, you wanted to lay me across your bed and then-I don’t know, was it wrongheaded of me to think that you personally would be the one involved with me on said brass bed? That this was a conventional invitation, if a bit forward?

So when I’d laid across the bed and you began introducing me to the guy with the dirty clothes (but the clean hands, as you noted), and kept referring to him as “my man,” I felt pretty uncomfortable.

Also, next time? (not with me, of course, ever, but whomever else you con into this little weirdness you’ve got going) Get some sheets. And some Febreze.

And let her know, whatever sad soul she is, that you’re going to try to film the whole thing.

Especially tell her the part about how you’ll be filming wearing only a pair of Spanish boots of Spanish leather.

That part really needs to be mentioned beforehand.

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Of course it’s the hair!

Crazy old man hair gets me going.

I told you this when we met,

and you said that you’d do whatever I asked.

Well, now I want you to put on this

wig and sideburns

and whip the living hell out of me.

Just do it, Jake!

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The panel has reviewed your submissions in search of romance. The following post titles have been rejected:

- A Roaster of Beets, A Gardener of Tomatoes, A Planter of Asparagus: I Seek Decent Landscaper to Water My Heart and Occasionally My Backyard

- I Don’t Need A Companion As Much As I Did Last Winter (And I Have the Scars To Prove It)

- If You Like Outies, I Have Two of Them

- I Just Miss Her So Much

- Call of Duty Platinum Member Seeks Same, Or At Least Gold

- I Have A Private Jet and A Huge Dick, But I Hate My Father

- Baseball Bat Looking for My Perfect Pitch (And My Perfect Pitch Will Have No Boundaries)

- It’s Just Baby Fat

- I Bet I’m Lonelier Than You

The following title has been accepted and will be posted on Craigslist Men Seeking Women:

If You Call This A Cold War Then Girl, Let’s Get Warm

Come water my backyard, won't you

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This ax only to be played by Texas fingers or finger nubs.

Texas: If You’re Not From Here, Get the Hell Out

Texas: Free Beer with Your Patriotism

Texas: We’re Fatter Than You

Texas: Walker, Texas Ranger is Actually About a Real Place Called Texas

Texas: We Don’t Know What Jingoism Is and We Don’t Give a Damn

Texas: Is It a Mall Or a Church? Come Find Out!

Texas: Guns Are Better Than Hands

Texas: No One’s Gay Here

Texas: Where Bandanas Can Be A Shirt

Texas: The Heart and Fist of America

Texas: If You’re Not Baptist, You’re The Devil’s Co-Pilot

Texas: It’s Oklahomo to Us

Texas: Education is For Dummies

Texas: Give Us an Excuse to Secede

Texas: One Step Away From Being a Thunderdome

 

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My Second Most Humiliating Break-up

April 26, 2012

ME: Welcome to Arby’s. May I take your order? RACHEL: Jeff, we need to talk. ME: Please drive up to the first window. RACHEL: I think it’s better this way. ASSHOLE JOCK: Order me some curly fries, okay? ME: Who the fuck is that? ASSHOLE JOCK: Get me some fucking curly fries, nerd. RACHEL: I [...]

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Burt Gibson: University of Phoenix Dance Team Choreographer / Accountant / Foster Home Volunteer

April 25, 2012

I love coaching dance with distance learning students, but family comes first. My wife and my foster kids; kids, I hope, who will take to halftime performances at sporting events as much as I have.  

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Another Thing They Won’t Tell You About The Beetus

April 24, 2012

After you’ve gotten your dodgy A1C results and the doctor sits you down like he or she does it every day and says, “you are diabetic,” they tell you about how you’ll have to check your blood sugar. They tell you how you won’t be able to have one-person cryfests while hogging down a pint [...]

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Werner Herzog Moderates a Discussion Between Tina Yothers and Keisha Knight Pulliam

April 20, 2012

Werner Herzog: You were both chosen to be the verbose, to be the contrary, to be the youngest who speaks plainly and often. Tina Yothers: The smart-aleck, annoying younger sister, yes. Keisha Knight Pulliam: Rudy Huxtable wasn’t annoying. Smart-aleck, yes, but not annoying. Rudy was cute. WH: Which of you feels more sorrow, I wonder? [...]

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This is the Downton Abbey of Trailer Parks

April 20, 2012

I’m telling you, Mr. Reporter, we’ve got a regular Downton Abbey, honest to Oprah, class system in this here mobile home community.  Maybe not to the uneducated (or should I say educated?) eye, but there is a whole system of haves and havenots that makes this place downright soapish. Take Mr. Timmerson.  That is not [...]

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Elephant in the Room: Paul’s Flirtation with Bear Orgies

April 19, 2012

What’s fascinating is that they’re solitary animals, so when they get together in a big group it can get pretty crazy. I’ve heard it’s best to not jump in at the beginning, but to watch so they can get comfortable with your scent-THEN ease in. I don’t know about Pandas. I don’t know if there [...]

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E.E. Cummings At The Customer Service Counter, Home Depot Garden Department

April 16, 2012

every last drop of solace (it is solace, what is   sadness?, you are light) brings forth a gust of snow, or hail, to wet you Right, thank you sir. So much. You mentioned that earlier. But I just need to know if you want this plant in the ceramic planter box or the plastic planter [...]

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The Duggars Discuss Their Favorite Recipes for Placenta

April 12, 2012

Jim Bob Duggar: It wasn’t until, what? The third? Michelle Duggar: John-David, yes. JBD: We… I don’t know what we did with the placentas from our first two kids. Whatever they do with them. MD: Medical waste disposal, or whatever. JBD: But Jesus doesn’t make junk. MD: The body is a sacrament. JBD: If a [...]

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Things You Shouldn’t Have to Say to Strangers

April 11, 2012

I think you sat on my Snickers bar. Actually, it’s not ironic at all. My dad worked for Lovely Ladies Car Wash and gave me this shirt before he died. No, I didn’t do it, I just found the ear and brought it in. Which one of you fucked my wife first? Well I can’t [...]

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In Response: This is How it Feels

April 10, 2012

I know that your question was rhetorical, but I’ll answer it anyway. How does it feel/ to be on your own/ no direction home/ a complete unknown/ like a rolling stone? It feels like shit, Bob. The absolute worst feeling you can imagine. The hopelessness, the spiritual vertigo, the sense that one is drowning in [...]

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