From the monthly archives:

June 2012

An Irish Traveler Joins The PGA Tour

June 18, 2012

Colleen Collins-McDonnell, Mother: Ah just let the boy have his fields and his metal sticks. It’s magical, watchin him. Just magical. Have ya seen it? The boy can play with those clubs, can’t he. Three caravans I’ve gotten in the last two years. Three. Beats the hell out of anything his old man gave me, [...]

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Excerpts From the Brochure for the Delaware Technical College of Beekeeping and Dental Geometry

June 15, 2012

  From the section titled:  Does Your College Really Only Have Two Majors? Yes.  But would you rather go to a diner that makes a thousand crappy majors or go to a gourmet burger joint that specializes in two types of burgers? A Honey Burger and a Toothpaste Burger?  You get our point? Also, if [...]

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Recovered Notes from an Only Childhood, Anonymous, 1989-1992

June 14, 2012

    Always in the middle, always Monkey, still looking at the sky. Guess Who? It’s always Mom, Dad, or Imaginary Little Brother. Glasses check. Red hair, check. Beard, sometimes. Shelia says what when I play house, what I’m really playing is single mom. Other games to STOP playing alone: Jenga Twister War No bruises from dodgeball! [...]

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Tensions Running High at Andy’s Iliad Party

June 13, 2012

Oh was she Randy? Was Circe in The Iliad? Because when I read Homer, she was in The Odyssey. It’s in the spirit of the theme, Clay. Besides, she’s part of that world. What world? The Trojan War? Oh right, just before Achilles kills Hector, Circe comes out and fucks everybody. Settle Down. You settle [...]

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Overheard at a Closed Meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous

June 12, 2012

…But after a few years of sobriety, I found that just going to meetings, working with newcomers, prayer, they weren’t working anymore. And the urge to drink was returning. (knowing murmurs of accord) That was when my sponsor suggested to me that I start doing secret service work. Which, I had no idea what that [...]

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I’m The Mary Steenburgen of Billings, Montana

June 11, 2012

Except my daddy didn’t drive freight train, I’ve only done a bit of regional acting, and this here fella is my Ted Danson. Also no one recognizes me on the street. But would you just look at how healthy our lawn looks.

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Free Lunch

June 8, 2012

Free Lunch   Under the prison bright tubes of cafeteria florescent, you enter the lunch line, always with a buddy because this is elementary and loneliness is solved by clumping, and it welcomes you, the exploding mush smell of peas, of chicken nuggets, of tater tots, the dreaded Fish Day, maybe a sliver of perfume [...]

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If All Your Bad Dates Happened on the Same Night

June 7, 2012

  Date invites you to a lounge. He says: You should dress up. It’s that kind of place. I’ll be in my designer jeans because when I dress nice I act less pervy. You ask: What is a lounge? No one will tell me? Date cancels date via text just minutes after date is scheduled to [...]

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Signs at the Pro-Tonsil Rally

June 6, 2012

    If God put it in there, then it ain’t coming out! Let Em Swell! You can pry my tonsils from my cold, dead throat. Tons of Overblown Nonsense from the Ice cream Lobby It’s not the SAME as Wisdom Teeth! Hell Na, We Won’t Say Ahhhh!  

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Middle-aged Children to their Senior Citizen Parents

June 5, 2012

Please stop saying “cool!” It just ruins it for us. And makes it seem like you’re grasping feebly for a youth long past. We know you went to Woodstock. But age with some dignity. Please.

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This I Think Is True: Wisdom From My Cousin Emmy Lee, Columbus Stamp Collector Of The Year

June 4, 2012

Before I say anything else, I feel that I must say this first: avoid the stamp conventions. National, regional, even Ohio citywide shows—all of them. Stay away. Just trust me. Nothing but date rapists and grandmothers. Nothing against date rapists, but I mean, really. Second: Civil War stamps. A lot has been made of the [...]

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A Progressive Series of Missing Posters on the Corner of Waverly and Franklin

June 1, 2012

DOG MISSING: Golden Retriever/Sheep Dog Mix, Answers to the name “Mandingo” or “Run, Mandingo, He Found the Taser” Can be lured with gravy boats brimming with gravy. Responds to hijinks. Please call. DAD MISSING: Last seen wearing a football jersey and/or not pants. Friendly when sober. Misses his “GD mutt, Mandingo” and how he’d bark [...]

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