From the monthly archives:

May 2012

Custer’s Last Stand and Other Lies

May 18, 2012

Listen, Rebecca, I know it’s our son’s ‘history’ project but I have made it very clear in this house that I am skeptical of historical records.  Do we own any? No.  Have I blocked Wikipedia on your computers? Damn skippy I have.  Our ‘historians’ want us to believe that humans have lived on this one [...]

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Rodeo Confessions: Pretty Prairie Rodeo—Pretty Prairie, Kansas

May 14, 2012

Don Callyers, Truck Driver, Main Pen: Every once in a while, when I’m dragging metal across dirt, rearranging the pen for this event or the other, I’ll roll up the windows and put on the heater to get a good sweat going, and I’ll just close my eyes, sit back, and pretend for a few [...]

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Impromptu (Slightly Drunken) Speech at Scotch Brand Double-Sided Tape Celebration (1982)

May 14, 2012

We did it everybody. We fucking DID IT!! [raises can of Coors] I remember when those assholes at Elmer’s were like “Double-sided Tape? It’s called GLUE.” We showed them, didn’t we. We SHOWED THEM…the assholes… [deep drink of Coors] So what’s next everybody? Where are we going? Cause I’m going to the FUCKING MOON The [...]

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Being Dumped at the Arcade: April 22, 1991

May 11, 2012

James, I don’t know how to tell you this but we need to break up. I know it’s your birthday but broken is broken, no matter what the day. We’re too young to be this committed.  You’re 11 and I’m almost 12.  Most relationships our age last a week tops.  Ours lasted three.  I’m practically [...]

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Last Night I Dreamt…

May 8, 2012

of a remake of Top Gun. Like I do every night. This time, Mav and Goose were drone pilots. Sitting in their cubicles, Maverick flying the RC aircraft according to his own devil-may-care rules. The guy in charge said, “that’s a half-a-million dollar model plane with some very sophisticated weapons and guidance systems you’re piloting. [...]

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A Deleted Scene From the 1987 Movie Mannequin

May 4, 2012

INT. PRINCE AND COMPANY MEN’S BATHROOM Johnathan Switcher, the window dresser, and Hollywood, the amusing gay stereotype, are both washing their hands at the marble sink. HOLLYWOOD So let me get this straight. And honey, I don’t mean me.  JOHNATHAN Classic. Sure, go on.  HOLLYWOOD She got cursed to find true love way back in [...]

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The Muse From “Lay, Lady, Lay” Responds

May 3, 2012

I guess when you first asked me to come over to your place and lay across your big brass bed, I thought you were interested in me. As in, you wanted to lay me across your bed and then-I don’t know, was it wrongheaded of me to think that you personally would be the one [...]

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It Feels Like You’re Judging My Martin Van Buren Fetish

May 2, 2012

Of course it’s the hair! Crazy old man hair gets me going. I told you this when we met, and you said that you’d do whatever I asked. Well, now I want you to put on this wig and sideburns and whip the living hell out of me. Just do it, Jake!

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