From the monthly archives:

April 2012

Rejected Names For Your Craigslist ‘Men Seeking Women’ Post

April 30, 2012

The panel has reviewed your submissions in search of romance. The following post titles have been rejected: - A Roaster of Beets, A Gardener of Tomatoes, A Planter of Asparagus: I Seek Decent Landscaper to Water My Heart and Occasionally My Backyard - I Don’t Need A Companion As Much As I Did Last Winter [...]

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Passed Over State Slogans For Texas

April 27, 2012

Texas: If You’re Not From Here, Get the Hell Out Texas: Free Beer with Your Patriotism Texas: We’re Fatter Than You Texas: Walker, Texas Ranger is Actually About a Real Place Called Texas Texas: We Don’t Know What Jingoism Is and We Don’t Give a Damn Texas: Is It a Mall Or a Church? Come [...]

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My Second Most Humiliating Break-up

April 26, 2012

ME: Welcome to Arby’s. May I take your order? RACHEL: Jeff, we need to talk. ME: Please drive up to the first window. RACHEL: I think it’s better this way. ASSHOLE JOCK: Order me some curly fries, okay? ME: Who the fuck is that? ASSHOLE JOCK: Get me some fucking curly fries, nerd. RACHEL: I [...]

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Burt Gibson: University of Phoenix Dance Team Choreographer / Accountant / Foster Home Volunteer

April 25, 2012

I love coaching dance with distance learning students, but family comes first. My wife and my foster kids; kids, I hope, who will take to halftime performances at sporting events as much as I have.  

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Another Thing They Won’t Tell You About The Beetus

April 24, 2012

After you’ve gotten your dodgy A1C results and the doctor sits you down like he or she does it every day and says, “you are diabetic,” they tell you about how you’ll have to check your blood sugar. They tell you how you won’t be able to have one-person cryfests while hogging down a pint [...]

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Werner Herzog Moderates a Discussion Between Tina Yothers and Keisha Knight Pulliam

April 20, 2012

Werner Herzog: You were both chosen to be the verbose, to be the contrary, to be the youngest who speaks plainly and often. Tina Yothers: The smart-aleck, annoying younger sister, yes. Keisha Knight Pulliam: Rudy Huxtable wasn’t annoying. Smart-aleck, yes, but not annoying. Rudy was cute. WH: Which of you feels more sorrow, I wonder? [...]

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This is the Downton Abbey of Trailer Parks

April 20, 2012

I’m telling you, Mr. Reporter, we’ve got a regular Downton Abbey, honest to Oprah, class system in this here mobile home community.  Maybe not to the uneducated (or should I say educated?) eye, but there is a whole system of haves and havenots that makes this place downright soapish. Take Mr. Timmerson.  That is not [...]

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Elephant in the Room: Paul’s Flirtation with Bear Orgies

April 19, 2012

What’s fascinating is that they’re solitary animals, so when they get together in a big group it can get pretty crazy. I’ve heard it’s best to not jump in at the beginning, but to watch so they can get comfortable with your scent-THEN ease in. I don’t know about Pandas. I don’t know if there [...]

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E.E. Cummings At The Customer Service Counter, Home Depot Garden Department

April 16, 2012

every last drop of solace (it is solace, what is   sadness?, you are light) brings forth a gust of snow, or hail, to wet you Right, thank you sir. So much. You mentioned that earlier. But I just need to know if you want this plant in the ceramic planter box or the plastic planter [...]

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The Duggars Discuss Their Favorite Recipes for Placenta

April 12, 2012

Jim Bob Duggar: It wasn’t until, what? The third? Michelle Duggar: John-David, yes. JBD: We… I don’t know what we did with the placentas from our first two kids. Whatever they do with them. MD: Medical waste disposal, or whatever. JBD: But Jesus doesn’t make junk. MD: The body is a sacrament. JBD: If a [...]

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Things You Shouldn’t Have to Say to Strangers

April 11, 2012

I think you sat on my Snickers bar. Actually, it’s not ironic at all. My dad worked for Lovely Ladies Car Wash and gave me this shirt before he died. No, I didn’t do it, I just found the ear and brought it in. Which one of you fucked my wife first? Well I can’t [...]

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In Response: This is How it Feels

April 10, 2012

I know that your question was rhetorical, but I’ll answer it anyway. How does it feel/ to be on your own/ no direction home/ a complete unknown/ like a rolling stone? It feels like shit, Bob. The absolute worst feeling you can imagine. The hopelessness, the spiritual vertigo, the sense that one is drowning in [...]

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My Imaginary Sexual Relationship With Ernie Els

April 9, 2012

I’ve never seen the U.S. Open, not even on on television, so I don’t understand this any more than you do. I’m not a golf fan, I don’t like that weird South African accent, and in all other ways I’m a blue-blooded straight man with a very attractive wife and two lovely kids. But there’s [...]

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Hey Jess, I’m Not Stalking You Anymore

April 6, 2012

Hey Jess-Bear, It’s me, Gary-Copter. And this is the last time I’m going to use our nicknames for each other that I made up for us.  See? Progression.  And before you go calling the police again because I’m violating ‘the restraining order,’  may I just remind you that the US Postal Service is something that [...]

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The Large in the Small

April 5, 2012

Did you know there’s a place in your foot that if you press on it, you void your bowels? Instantly and forcibly? I did not know that. Did you discover this on accident, like while putting on your shoes, or… I was getting a foot massage. It’s called reflexology. All the different places on your [...]

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