From the monthly archives:

March 2012

Winging It

March 29, 2012

My brother, the moron. He gets jammed up-his wife’s at work and he’s got to do a thing-and asks me if I can babysit. Just for an hour, he says. Ninety minutes, tops. And at the instant he asks, it seems like a reasonable request. I cannot think of a single reason I can’t do [...]

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MC Hammer and His Manager Debate “2 Legit 2 Quit” Hand Gesturing

March 28, 2012

  Hammer, I just think you’re putting too much emphasis on the gesturing and not enough on the dancing. To you it’s gesturing, to me it’s a philosophy. I’m giving people something to help with their self-esteem. But, it sounds like you’re saying that you, Hammer, are too legit to quit, not them. If I [...]

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Open Letter To The Bitch That Denied My Article Submission on CircleOfMoms.com

March 26, 2012

Hey bitch, Let me tell you something. If I want to talk about diaper rash or infant fever, I’m gonna do exactly that. And I know you and your other bitch blogger moms think you know what’s important to every mom in the whole blasted universe, and I’m sure that you all walk around trying [...]

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Why Won’t A&E Return My Email?

March 25, 2012

I am not a licensed masseuse. But I’ve got hands of gold. That’s the first thing I suggested to the folks at A&E: Hands of Gold, Amateur Masseuse. So many ways to spin it. For instance, a reality program where they follow me as I offer massages to random people at the food court in [...]

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Pickup Lines to Use at the County Fair

March 23, 2012

“Dang, girl. My outside feels like a fried outer coating but my heart feels like a Snickers. Melting.” “Dang, girl. Your clothes look like three jungle cats got in a fight and your body was the winner.” “Dang, girl.  Those legs look like they were dipped in denim batter.” “Dang, girl. You ever get freaked [...]

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More Shaman Trash Talk

March 22, 2012

What’s that? You don’t think women can be shamans? How about I turn your dick into a mouse turd, and then we’ll talk about whether women can be shamans. Your medicine is weak sauce. Go sell it to the whites. Those dumb sons of bitches will buy anything. If my spirit bag was as droopy [...]

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Guesses at W. B. Yeats’s Initials by First Graders at a Birthday Party

March 21, 2012

Wet Butt! [laughter] Willy Boob! [laughter] Willy Boobies! [laughter] Walter Benjamin [silence] WET BUTT!! [intense laughter] White Boy [faint laughter] Wrestler Bob [mild laughter] Wet Blanket [silence]…from pee! [laughter] Wild Butt [laughter] White Butt [laughter] Wet BITCHES! [terror-filled silence] Washington Baines [awkward laughter] William BALLS!! [hard laughter lasting several minutes]  

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Rodeo Confessions: Laredo International Fair & Exposition—Laredo, Texas

March 19, 2012

Alice Casper, Proprietor, Laredo Stitches: Can’t believe I sell a single goddamned one of these things, and yet here I am selling a hundred, hundred-fifty by lunchtime. I mean, a woman wants to buy a sewn handbag with a map of Texas on it, made from 2-bit thread and a dime-store zipper? I just don’t [...]

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Things I Said in Yoga That Revealed I’d Never Done This Before

March 16, 2012

“Who’s this lady? Is she Head Yogi? Yogi Berra? Where are you going?” “Get a what? Who is Matt? ” “Boss Lady really likes this dog position, huh? Geez. Go back to Yoga school and learn some new moves, am I right?” “I think my shirt is too short for this stuff. Please, don’t look [...]

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Dear Facebook Couples Who Share Profiles

March 15, 2012

They’re free, you know. The profiles. They don’t cost anything. You could each have one, if you wanted. James’n’Jenna, Stacey’n’Sean, I’m looking at y’all. It’s like how back in the day, ladies identities disappeared when they got hitched. They became Mrs. Michael DuPlant. Or Mrs. Philip Garrison. You are (hopefully) individuals. Act like it. Is [...]

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Comment Cards for Danny’s Shingle Emporium

March 14, 2012

“Seems like the Spanish tile is always on back order. Maybe, I don’t know, get a new distributor.” “Great tar prices!” “I been a roofer for 21 years. 7 in Fresno, 9 in Bakersfield, and 7 in Modesto, and this is the best selection I have seen, including Saint Claire’s Shingle Shack.” “No Coke machine?” [...]

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The Murky Fringe Interviews Your Mom

March 13, 2012

The Murky Fringe: What happened? Were you, like, partying a lot when you were pregnant? Your Mom: It was the seventies. The late seventies, but still. TMF: But on what? Gasoline? Lead paint? Industrial solvents? YM: No. Nothing like that. I smoked a little pot. On occasion. For my nerves. And was doing a little [...]

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This I Think Is True: Wisdom From My Aunt Mallory, Akron Ice Machine Mechanic Of The Year

March 12, 2012

I’m gonna sound like an asshole here, but I tell you what, I’d plum be out of a job if people would just unplug their machines and plug ‘em back in. That’s a reset right there, but no one seems to know it or even try it. But don’t fucking print that, or you can [...]

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Things I’ve Said That Have Torpedoed My First Dates

March 9, 2012

  “Yes. I always keep a spare of Papa John’s Garlic Dipping Sauce in my pocket. No, I don’t have another one.” “I was a stand-up comic back in the 90’s. Do you want to hear some of my OJ Simpson routine?” “Don’t you think these asparagus tips in these mashed potato mounds look like [...]

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I am the Roger Federer of DIY Home Renovation (Per David Foster Wallace’s Essay)

March 8, 2012

People ask me what it’s like to be so quick with home renovations. “Man,” they say, “It’s got to be like living in a montage. In the length of time it takes to listen to an inspirational Frank Stallone song, you’ve like gotten all the furniture out of the house, everything stripped down and repainted, [...]

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