Ask a Doctor

February 14, 2012

I am god. Man, I love saying that.

Dear Doctor-

I’ve been having stabbing pains in my lower back when I urinate for the last few weeks. Now, my pee smells weird. Like over-microwaved corned beef hash.

Should I be concerned?

Afraid to Die in Albany


Dear Afraid-

It’s the second question people ask at parties. The first question is “what do you drive?” and the third is “does this Gorbachev-shaped mole on my back look cancerous to you?”

The second question is, “did you divorce your wife right out of med school to get with that hot number over there?”

To which I reply, “no, that one over there was the trade-in on the trade-in.”

Numero tres, for those of you keeping score at home.

Maybe we doctors continue to divorce and remarry because we’re afraid to die. When your heart starts seizing up on you, I can save you. But that doesn’t change the fact that one day I’ll be worm food. Maybe that’s why we keep marrying sexy young women.

Personally, I think I get new wives for the same reason I get new cars. Because I can.


Dear Doctor-

My sister told me you couldn’t get pregnant if you did it in the butt in a swimming pool. Do you have any recommendations for a good waterproof butt lube?

Sexually Curious but Pregnancy Averse in Pawtucket


Dear Sexually-

Let me put it to you another way. Let’s say I come to your place of work and ask you what’s good on the menu. Then, instead of going with the meatloaf like you suggested, I get a slawburger and fries. Wouldn’t you be a little miffed, a little put-off? I mean, you get paid either way, but what good is an opinion asked for and ignored?

When people come in to my office and say, “doc, you gotta help me,” I hardly even hear them anymore. Because the truth is I can’t help anyone so long as they’re in their own way. Nowadays, I tell them they’ve got to go home and lose five pounds on their own before I’ll even discuss their situation with them. They hardly ever come back. Is this callous on my part? Probably. But what the fuck ever happened to personal responsibility?


Dear Doctor-

Theoretically speaking, if you weren’t able to afford an elective outpatient procedure, how dangerous would it be to do it yourself? If, say, you had help?

Theoretically Late-Term and Not Looking to Theoretically Give Birth


Dear Theoretically-

It is strictly against the law and the ethics code to self-prescribe or knowingly prescribe to someone else for recreational purposes. Does that mean I’ve never heard of it happening? No. It does not. Have I heard of people trading sexual favors for Oxycontin scripts? I have. Do I approve of this behavior? Let he without sin cast the first stone.


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