From the monthly archives:

February 2012

Samoans on Somoas (A Proud People Respond to the Girl Scouts)

February 29, 2012

It’s not that we feel disrespected. It’s just frustrating to always be associated with coconut. No one ever thinks Samoan?…must be shortbread. Do we like the cookies? Of course we do. We’re not idiots. We’re not Fijians. We just wish someone from Girl Scouts would have reached out for our blessing. Or a recipe that [...]

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More of Grandpa Phil’s Prejudices and Stereotypes

February 28, 2012

Males nurses don’t wash their hands as often as regular nurses. You can just tell. I don’t like to have gas station attendants look me in the eye. It feels like they’re challenging me. I’m not saying there isn’t a woman out there who couldn’t, but I’ve never met a women who could dress out [...]

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I’m The Seabiscuit Of Greyhounds

February 27, 2012

Where’s my fucking movie, huh? Look at these scars. Look. No, you look, right now. See that? See the terror that is my leg? That was a leg break. Seabiscuit? Dude pretty much sprains his fucking ankle, and then the whole world shits itself when he wins a race, like, two years later. Meanwhile I have [...]

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Why I Hate THE HIGGS BOSON PARTICLE and Everyone in This CERN LABORATORY

February 24, 2012

  (Because I was informed that picking on Freebird and Bar Dwellers was too easy and kind of like ‘picking on a retarded kid’, I have rewritten my previous post.) Oh, I’m sorry. Did my hand accidentally unplug your jukebox PARTICLE ACCELERATOR?  Man, I’m really sorry.  We were just getting to the droning end of [...]

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Don’t Call it a Toy

February 23, 2012

It’s not a toy. It’s not even an “action figure” as you understand them. Your Star Wars action figure, it’s got-what-eight points of articulation? Thirty. That’s right. This bad mofo has thirty points of articulation. You couldn’t even handle that much articulation. You wouldn’t know what to do with it. So no. It’s not a [...]

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What to Say When Your Son Is Obsessed with Pangea

February 22, 2012

Son, can you put down that globe and come see me for a second. Thanks, I know it’s not as as interesting as when all the continents were connected. Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. Yes, Pangea. I think it’s great that you’re so excited about it, but…well it’s just, maybe [...]

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The Murky Fringe Interviews a Prayer Warrior

February 21, 2012

The Murky Fringe: So, what level of Prayer Warrior are you? And how do you know when you’ve leveled up? Prayer Warrior: It doesn’t work that way. TMF: Do you get bonuses to prayer with each subsequent level, or new types of prayers-like healing self and others prayer, or stone-skin prayer, or turn undead prayer? [...]

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Why I Hate Freebird and Everyone in This Bar

February 17, 2012

  Oh, I’m sorry. Did my hand accidentally unplug your jukebox?  Man, I’m really sorry.  We were just getting to the droning end of Freebird and I really wanted to hear all of you sing it with a big finish.  I especially wanted to watch Fat Accountant play more air guitar for the thousand minute [...]

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My Brother Whispering to me at my Grandmother’s Funeral

February 16, 2012

She looks good. Real natural. Those funeral home people did a real good job. She never treated me any different. I loved that about her. And she could cook. You remember that skillet she had? That cast iron skillet? I remember one time she made me mincemeat fried pies in that skillet. You remember that? [...]

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I’m the Richard Pryor of This Here Cult

February 15, 2012

  Some scary shit up in here. Right?! Leader says, “Stockpile the guns. The end is coming.” The end is coming? Finally living rent free and the end is coming. But y’all know know what I’m talking about. The Leader’s all sleeping with our wives and daughters. Babies everywhere. All we got is porridge. What [...]

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Ask a Doctor

February 14, 2012

Dear Doctor- I’ve been having stabbing pains in my lower back when I urinate for the last few weeks. Now, my pee smells weird. Like over-microwaved corned beef hash. Should I be concerned? Afraid to Die in Albany   Dear Afraid- It’s the second question people ask at parties. The first question is “what do [...]

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The Murky Fringe Interviews A Dead Policeman’s Wake In An Irish Pub

February 13, 2012

The Murky Fringe: You’re so poetic. Dead Policeman’s Wake In An Irish Pub: It isn’t always easy. Never gonna be. And it ain’t simple either. Consider that. We work. This is what we do. MF: Where do you find the strength? DPWIP: Look at the seams in the uniform. Look at the blue. It’s the [...]

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Superbowl Ads I Thought I Saw But Were Apparently Fever Dreams

February 10, 2012

CHEVY:  A Chevy truck is perched atop a mountain.  Its four wheel drive and amazing traction keep it steady on the icy terrain.  We see some sweeping shots.  This truck has the grace of a hawk and the majesty of the goat. There is a close up on the left headlight. Did it blink? Suddenly, [...]

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Sarcastic Answers to Rhetorical Questions Through a Closed Door: 1985

February 9, 2012

Yes, I am still in here. Perhaps I will use all the hot water. It’s still a little early to tell. Yes, I am planning on staying in here all day. No, I was not aware that other people might need to use the bathroom. No, I was not aware that there was only one [...]

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