Things We Made Heinrich, the Swiss Foreign Exchange Student, Say Before We’d Let Him Party With Us

January 7, 2012

The Swiss "Army" Knife does, to its credit, maintain a sense of timelessness even as it reaches towards the future.

“It would be more accurate to say ‘The Swiss National Guard Knife’ or ‘The Swiss Army Reserve Knife.’”

“There are holes in our cheese because we are stingy, and enjoy the idea of people paying for air.”

“Our chocolate is anti-Semitic.”

“We hold midnight screenings of Heidi and The Sound of Music and sing along to them and act them out, just as you do with your The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

“Our livestocks are anti-Semitic.”

“We envy the Dutch their wooden shoes.”

“We, like our very best friends in the whole world The Germans, detest The Slavs.”

“My grandfather is a banker.”

“We envy The Danes their Kierkegaard.”

“Much as you have your The Crips and The Bloods, we have the fans of The ABBA and The Ace of Base. There are bloody feuds in the meticulously maintained streets almost daily, which are then hosed off, the streets, so that it is like it never happened, because that is our greatest export, the ability to pretend that nothing happened.”

 

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