Shit I’ve Had to Set my Aunt Barbara Straight On

January 12, 2012

Not my Uncle Danny. Not even a little bit.

“Your brother Danny didn’t get paralyzed in Vietnam dragging a wounded soldier to a medevac chopper. He wasn’t in Vietnam. He wasn’t even ever in the Army. He got crippled when his car flipped over from him doing donuts out at the rock quarry.”

Aunt Mavis is the one that ran off to St. Louis. Aunt Clara is the one who took up the guitar and ran off to the bright lights of Milledgeville. You’re the one who stayed here, sulking.”

“My daddy did not like you best.”

“You and my momma did not ever sit up nights watching the midnight movie on TV when daddy was stationed overseas. One, on account of us not having a TV; and two, on account of my momma not and never liking you. Not even a little.”

“You never met Hank Williams, Sr. or Gram Parsons. Yes I’m sure.”

“Grandpa Jesse wasn’t ever a muleskinner. And his pocket knife was a goddamn Shrade, not an Old Timer. What, you think Grandpa Pete was from Milledgeville or something?”

“You didn’t either coin the phrase ‘Nature, red in tooth and claw.’ Yes, I’m sure.”

“Aunt Delia’s preserves are about thirty-six times better than yours. Due in no small part to the fact that you use your preserves cooking pot for an ashtray.”

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