From the monthly archives:

January 2012

Requiscat in Pace

January 31, 2012

Requiscat in Pace, Clara Peller. You were more than the “Where’s the beef?” lady, although the world was too ready to discount you as nothing more than that: a pop culture sound-bite, shuffled off to the rummage bin of history. No. You were a prophet crying out in the wilderness during the greed-mongering eighties. You [...]

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Calling Back My Brother Phil, The Emotionally Vulnerable Skinhead

January 30, 2012

Hey Phil. What’s going on, I saw you called. No I actually haven’t talked with mom in a couple weeks. What’s she— No way. Really? To where, to Cabo? That dude is fucking loaded. Jesus, dad would be turning over in his grave. Wow. So what’s new with you? Still working at the warehouse? Oh [...]

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Reasons I Suspect I May Be In A Sitcom

January 27, 2012

It’s just this feeling that’s been creeping over me slowly.   It’s something about the daily struggles of my family.  They seem too canned.  And they tie up so nicely.  Here’s where my suspicions started: -          my brother, Henry, who is almost comically competitive, is always finding ways to be better than me.  It’s always something [...]

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Driving With No Headlights

January 26, 2012

The crushed whiterock in moonlight-at least, when the moon was full-it gave off enough glow to see by without headlights. We would drink too much and drive too fast and try to prove ourselves wrong concerning our invulnerability-our untouchability-although by then a few of us had already provided examples of what happens at the place [...]

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Pete’s Embroidering Pitch to Sellman’s Slaughterhouse

January 25, 2012

  Listen Orville, I’m not gonna sit here and blow smoke up yer ass. Either you want embroidered shirts or you don’t. If you don’t, then I’ll cut out early and make water somewheres else. But if you DO, then let’s us get down to it. Long-sleeve shirts, Orville, with your insignia right here, above [...]

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Spitting Out The Butt-ends of my Days and Ways: Explaining Tattoos to my Eight-year-old

January 24, 2012

Well, so Depeche Mode was this really great band-they may still be a band, for all I know. And Daddy was eighteen years old. This image right here comes from the cover of their album Violator. The reason you’ve never heard them is that Daddy doesn’t really listen to them anymore. Because people change. That’s [...]

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Diaries Of A Cutman: My Life In Boxing

January 23, 2012

Shame. The truth is I never thought about feeling shame. For the exhilaration. I experience exhilaration when I see blood. I’ve realized it’s a bit strange, sure, but not shameful. But then Maggie Watson looked at me that way she looks at me, like she feels sorry when I talk about it, like I’m wounded [...]

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(Not, Not) Knocking on Heaven’s Door

January 21, 2012

Do you know how much I’m going to miss you? I’m going to miss you so bad. But don’t hang on just for me. I want you to be free. If you’re seeing the light, go towards it. Fly towards heaven on the angel’s wings. Squeeze my hand twice if you can hear me and [...]

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Reasons I’m Not Afraid of Sharks

January 20, 2012

1. I don’t know any sharks. 2. Ok, let’s say I was going to meet some. Like at a party I was invited to by some mutual aquatic life acquaintance .  I couldn’t just stereotype them, could I? I should at least meet them, right? 3. So I’m at this party and my friend, Greg, [...]

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My Girlfriend Has This Thing

January 19, 2012

Where she feels like she has more fingers than she does. Usually it’s a supernumerary pinkie, but sometimes its a thumb. Sometimes, she feels like she has two ring fingers on each hand. Her imaginary supernumerary digits always mirror; that is, she never has like an extra imaginary pinkie on her right hand and an [...]

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On Court Banter At Sunny Valley Nudist Camp’s Sixth Annual Four-on-Four Basketball Tournament (1998)

January 18, 2012

Contributed by D. Huskins (Italy, TX) “SkinZ”? You couldn’t come up with anything better than “SkinZ”? You see those dudes warming up over there? The ones that look like a bunch of white, naked Harlem Globetrotters? They’re called “The Basket Free-Ballers” for chrissake. How are we supposed to compete with that? Wilt Chamberlain? Seriously? I [...]

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I Quit Going to Dinner With my Dad

January 17, 2012

It wasn’t that he snapped at the waitstaff. Although I’m sure they adulterated our food for that. It was his “little joke” of licking the credit card before handing it to the waitress. It was gross, yes. But mostly it was unsettling.

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If Only: Kanye West Interviews Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

January 16, 2012

A new Murky Fringe series, “If Only”—where we examine events and historical figures through interviews that did not and indeed literally could not have happened. First up is If Only #1: Kanye West interviews Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Kanye West: Hi. Sorry I was late. What do you think of Watch the Throne? Dr. [...]

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Things my Daddy Just Don’t Tolerate in Another Man, Especially my Boyfriends

January 14, 2012

Emoticons My daddy don’t have anything against the gays, but he’s got a whole lot against straight men using emoticons. Especially when communicating with another man. Especially when the two men are, for instance, my daddy and my new beau. Hemmed Jean Shorts Shorts on men, he says, unless you’re engaged in some kind of [...]

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Warning Signs Your Kid May Sleep Murder You

January 13, 2012

CONTRIBUTED BY JAMES BEST  (BROOKLYN, NEW YORK) Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Bothwell. Welcome to Parent-Teacher Conferences.  I’m Mr. Gerchen.  And thanks for bringing Kevin as well.  Now I know the principal and the music teacher and the cafeteria workers are all worried about him.  But let me assure you, I do not think all signs [...]

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