Five Reasons My Psychiatrist Doesn’t Believe Me That My Other Personality Is A Bull Shark

December 12, 2011

1. I swim dogpaddle style.

2. When I was seventeen (prime time for multiple-personality development) and my younger brother Kenny fake drowned me in our aunt Edna’s backyard pool, rather than thrash Kenny until he died a violent death I struggled to reach the surface and then sobbed for 30 minutes in front of my aunt Edna’s neighbor Ashley Aronson, about whom I had tremendous romantic feelings.

3. I basically am always smiling and never look overly serious.

what's so funny

4. When we went to Sea World for my 25th birthday, I wasn’t even very excited. I told my psychiatrist, “Well, I wasn’t excited because I was 25 and a virgin and at Sea World with my mother and grandmother,” but my psychiatrist said that these details wouldn’t possibly matter if there was chum within a square mile.

5. I stop to help drivers of broken-down cars rather than thrash them into the median divider.

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