From the monthly archives:

December 2011

Last Night I Dreamt…

December 31, 2011

Of my father. Like I do every night. Except instead of trying to instill wisdom into me by way of automotive maintenance, he was part of a group of middle aged men, who came out onto a darkened stage one at a time and extolled the virtues (and comedic mishaps) of relaxed fit stonewashed denim [...]

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The Murky Fringe Interviews The Defecated-Upon Cop Car From the OWS Protest

December 29, 2011

The Murky Fringe: So, is it safe to say… Shat-Upon NYPD Cruiser: Low point of my career? Absolutely. TMF: We’re so sorry for you. SUNYPDC: It wasn’t you who dropped trou and defecated on me. TMF: What’s it like to be used as a toilet? SUNYPDC: That’s not the part that bugs me. Whatever for [...]

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The Diving Board That Knocked Out Greg Louganis

December 28, 2011

  Was I trying to hurt him? No. Did I think he was getting a little too big for his britches? Yes. Who didn’t. Do I feel bad about it now after all these years? I don’t. Have I been the same? No. No I haven’t. I don’t bounce like I used to. Would I [...]

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Lubbock, After the Cotton Gin

December 27, 2011

  After getting fired after two and a half weeks at the cotton gin, I boarded a Greyhound to Lubbock Texas to drink away the pittance I’d made at the cotton gin, which was still quite a bit more than I’d seen in some time. I went to Lubbock hoping that my friends would tell [...]

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A Murky Marketing® Production: Rejected Slogans—Pajama Jeans

December 26, 2011

“Sleep In Them, Party In Them… Then Wake Up And Bask In The Glory Of Them” “Easy On For The Holidays, Easy Off For The Husband!” “The Rock N’ Roll Of Cotton” “Keep Eating That Queso—Your Jeans Will A-A-A-Always Fit!” “Pajama Jeans: Let’s Not Make This More Awkward Than It Needs To Be” “Depression—It Just [...]

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A Very Murky Christmas

December 24, 2011

Ebeneezer Scrooge (Played by Gilbert Gottfried): (throwing open window, post-epiphany) You! boy! What day is this? Street Boy #3 (Played by Ice Cube): Yo, who the fuck you calling boy? Ghost of Christmas Past (Played by my Grandpa Nathan):  Weinsteins! Weinsteins for all! Wishing you all a most slant-masted Barry Gibb! What bjorn is chilled [...]

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My Pet Albino Raccoon, Sylvester

December 22, 2011

Sylvester, sitting in the living room, watching old Sally Jesse Raphael episodes on VHS. Sylvester, dragging his balls through the Jello salad. Sylvester, running up like eight hundred bucks in phone sex charges. Sylvester, smoking up all my weed while I’m at work. Sylvester, prank-calling my ex-girlfriends. Sylvester, drinking too much and refusing to take [...]

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My Grandfather’s Deathbed Confession (An Unedited Transcript)

December 20, 2011

Rainy boots and my last two fishing lures? Haversack. Wigwam.  Jump-start the hide-a-bed.  Jersey Shore my Alice Munro Wall clock.  Hasselhoff in Dusseldorf. Black smoke sunshine. Ain’t no beauty pageant for groundhogs, gophers, or rain gauges. Pray for me Mary Kate.  No habla Malt-o-Meal in Caracas. Dowsing El Camino. Don’t shak-o my Baco’s, and never [...]

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About That Blow Job I Gave You In Back Of The Chevron Extra Mile on Geary Boulevard

December 19, 2011

All my friends said you wouldn’t call, and I knew that they were right, but I wanted to believe that you would at least make eye contact next time I charged you for gas and a gallon of milk. I didn’t charge you the forty-cent debit fee that first night, and I didn’t charge you [...]

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Death of a Barbershop Quartet

December 17, 2011

The death of one means the death of all, because there’s no such thing as a barbershop trio.

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Word Association with Omar’s Scar

December 16, 2011

  The Murky Fringe: Red Omar’s Scar: Riding Hood TMF: Shotgun OS: Omar TMF: Caddyshack OS: ??????? TMF: Cultural Agency OS: Pedagogy TMF: Sickle OS: Cell TMF: Production OS: Control TMF: The Game OS: Superbowl TMF: Scar OS: Lion King TMF: Face Scar OS: Scarface TMF: Disfigurement OS: Elephant Man TMF: Different OS: Strokes TMF: [...]

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David Patterson Better Stop Eye-Fucking Me

December 15, 2011

I’m guessing he’s gotten where he is because almost everybody is afraid to whip a blind man’s ass with his own cane. I am not almost everybody.

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At the Shrink’s Office #147

December 13, 2011

Shrink: Asks after my wellbeing since last we met. Me: A bland rejoinder followed by a similar query. [Awkward Silence] Shrink: Opening Probe. Me: [Lengthy Pause]: Response that only somewhat answers, then meanders off. Shrink: Notes that this gambit is in keeping. Me: Petulant retort wherein I mention how much I pay him to ask [...]

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Five Reasons My Psychiatrist Doesn’t Believe Me That My Other Personality Is A Bull Shark

December 12, 2011

1. I swim dogpaddle style. 2. When I was seventeen (prime time for multiple-personality development) and my younger brother Kenny fake drowned me in our aunt Edna’s backyard pool, rather than thrash Kenny until he died a violent death I struggled to reach the surface and then sobbed for 30 minutes in front of my [...]

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