From the monthly archives:

October 2011

Retirement Roast For William Hesper, Gardener/Undercover FBI Agent

October 31, 2011

Mickey Malloy, Special Agent, Bank Robbery: Now Billy Hesper, that’s a fuckin guy who can cut a lawn. The creep can’t track a fugitive through his own goddamned living room, let’s be honest, but you haven’t lived till you’ve seen Billy work circles on a sit-down Deere across the street from a safe house. Carl Jessup, Assistant [...]

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Potshots at Culturally Vogue Phrases #37: “Meeting” Your Baby

October 29, 2011

We get it. You can’t wait until your baby quits feeding on you from the inside and instead becomes a completely dependent mass (with fully functioning lungs!) outside of you. And yes. We understand that you’re hoping one day that your kid will look something like you, maybe say or do interesting things, take care [...]

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Two Sides: King Vs. Double

October 27, 2011

You’re always talking about how I’m hogging the bed. No. We’re not discussing this. Do you know-just sheets alone-what this would cost us? And how, exactly, do you think we’d get it up the stairs? To say nothing of how little room we’d have in our bedroom. No. And this would be a solution to [...]

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Me and James Arness: Searching For Festus at Whispering Pines

October 25, 2011

I spent the shittiest eight months of my life working at Whispering Pines Retirement Community. There were three tiers at Whispering Pines-the first being the one where the people are wearing track suits and have a pretty high degree of autonomy. They go for day trips to Fredricksburg, the outlet mall tour from San Marcos [...]

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Sincere Questions I Had For Esther, The Teacher Of My Godparent Preparation Class

October 24, 2011

Hi, I have a question back here. Sorry. Two slides ago, it said that Jesus and the child do what? Was it become one forever? It was? Okay, thanks! I’m terrible watching the screen and taking notes. When you say the flowing water represents the love of Jesus washing over my Godson, I find myself [...]

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Robert Creeley Better Stop Eye Fucking Me

October 22, 2011

  He can hide behind those goddamned goofy sunglasses and think he’s clever all he wants. I know he’s eye fucking me. And if he wants to remain the king of the kingdom of the blind, he better cut that shit out.

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In Defense of Irony

October 20, 2011

Okay, then. You tell me. If being afraid to fly your whole life and then getting into a plane crash once you decide to confront your fear, if that’s not irony-because it seems to me textbook-like freshman in high school irony-then what exactly is irony? Can you provide me with a like web-browser generated response [...]

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Answering the Hecklers at My Uncle Ray’s Park Bench Dedication

October 19, 2011

“Yes, for your information, we could not afford a fountain.” “No, you cannot sit on it. Ever!” “Because I’m gonna wait here and guard it. Forever! That’s how long.” “Where are you gonna get a chainsaw?” “Actually, he’s in Heaven right now. Sitting on a bench.” “No you’re adopted!” “Leave my kids out of this.” [...]

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A Rapid Expulsion

October 18, 2011

For the first week or so, it was kind of funny. My girlfriend went around on a kind of existential precipice-her eyes half-squinted, mouth slightly open, nostrils twitching slightly. Then her breathing would deepen, her body tensing, hands out to her sides, forgotten. Her eyelids flutter, a deep intake of breath, and then… nothing. “Mother-humper,” [...]

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Local White Man Gets Neck Tattoo; Black Community Asks: “What’s Left?”

October 17, 2011
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A Father Addresses His Adopted Son on Appropriate Responses to People Saying “Happy Birthday” with Air Quotes

October 16, 2011

  It depends more on the size and estimated toughness of the individual, but as a general rule, a quick punch to the neck should shut them the hell up. Then, when they’re gasping for air you say, “What’s wrong? I can’t [air quotes] hear you.  

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Last Day at the Municipal Pool, 1984

October 15, 2011

  High dive. Now or never. High Dive. Now or never. I am going to ask the cute lifeguard where she’s going to junior college this fall. How did Ron grow so much back hair without my noticing? How long has Ron had this much back hair? Why won’t my tits grow? Everyone else’s tits [...]

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Ask Exhibition Basketball Great Meadowlark Lemon

October 13, 2011

  Dear Meadowlark- My boyfriend and I recently got engaged, and I love him very much. Recently, he brought up the notion of us opening our bedroom to strangers we meet on the internet. He says that as long as we do it now, before we’re married, it isn’t wrong and couldn’t possibly have any [...]

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An Earnest Question at the Diaper Cake Workshop

October 12, 2011

  “When you say that our aim is to make it look realistic, does that mean realistic in regards to an actual cake or to an arranged stack of diapers made to resemble an actual cake? I just don’t understand how you are using the word realistic there.”    

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James Hetfield Breaks His Silence on Metallica’s Cover of “Whiskey in the Jar”

October 11, 2011

  In fairness, we never claimed to be The Pogues.    

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