From the monthly archives:

August 2011

Stan Addresses His New League Team About His Blindness

August 31, 2011

Listen, sometimes I’m gonna roll gutter balls. I’m just gonna. I’m blind, you assholes. I can’t fucking see. [Laughter. Beer drinking.] Just don’t nobody do the thing where you pretend I get a strike when I didn’t. That breaks me up. [Unspilled tear.] Now somebody put the goddamned ball in my hand and point me [...]

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Hemingway at the Proctologist’s Office

August 30, 2011

He signed the waiting list and took his seat in the antechamber, where there were four other men. The men all had magazines in their hands, magazines devoted to automobiles or sports and they were staring intently at these magazines, all of them knowing that each of them knew what they all were there for. [...]

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The Threads That Bind: My Life As A Mafia Clothes Man, Part 2

August 29, 2011

You’ll remember Part 1. You better fuckin remember Part 1. Anyway it’s my solemn duty to teach you some things, undeserving as your pretty-boy ass is. Okay so let’s say you’re with Fat Louie. Guy like Fat Louie, he makes his own name up. You think some dumb motherfucker is gonna up and call him [...]

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Drafting at the Piggly Wiggly

August 27, 2011

Just, if you’re going to be like this… Honey, town line sign sprints are a hallowed tradition in bicycling. Okay. Let’s put aside for the moment that you don’t own a bike. There’s still the question of where exactly a town sign is in the grocery store. It’s the natural delineations. Frozen foods. Stuff you [...]

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Cormac McCarthy in the Ikea Living Room Section

August 26, 2011

And these mammoth cases with their vast incarnation of shelves towered like the Titans themselves with names like Hemnes and Expedit, borrowed from some savage tongue, threatening to collapse upon the loose band of toddlers, each holding in his hand a meager orb of meat or the crust of some saccharin and cinnamon’d bread. Cases with great panes [...]

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Recipe For Great-Grandma Irma’s Mexican Cornbread

August 25, 2011

When you go to the grocery to get the ingredients, make sure to pick up a twelve pack of inexpensive beer. You don’t need it for the cornbread per se, but the point of making cornbread-this is straight from Great-Grandma Irma’s mouth, and don’t let that bitch Gladys tell you any different-is to make the [...]

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Quotes From the Brokeback Mountain Cartoon Pitch

August 24, 2011

“At its heart it’s a buddy show, like Dukes of Hazzard without the car.” “Their relationship? Well they’re best friends first and foremost.” “Think of all the adventures they could have: protecting the sheep, fishing trips, the rodeo.” “Sure they can flirt. But no more than those kids in Scooby Doo.” “Of course we’ll have action [...]

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Excerpts From Awkward Wedding Ceremonies

August 23, 2011

“Marriage is a moderately sacred institution. In theory, at least.” “Standing here, looking out on all these lovely people who have gathered here to witness your special day-John’s father and mother, and their respective spouses, Michelle’s father and mother, and her aunt-stepmother, and the near-legion of step-grandparents and half-siblings-you have to wonder if it’s worth [...]

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The Threads That Bind: My Life As A Mafia Clothes Man, Part 1

August 22, 2011

You think you’ve seen a stain. Ha! Guy like you. Talkin to me about “Hey I know what a stain is.” Like, what, I slid on grass as a kid. And, what? I used to work at a cleaners. Shit like that. Make me laugh up and down a block. This ain’t some kinda cleaners [...]

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Pardon Me, ASTROGLIDE, But I Think You’re Neglecting An Important Demographic

August 21, 2011

I noticed in the preamble before the directions on the back of your box that you say, “Astroglide will enhance the pleasure for you and the ones you love to love.” While this may be true for a segment of the population, it completely ignores that group of people who are simply having sex with [...]

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The Flenser’s Lament

August 20, 2011

I started flensing because I thought it was something I could do in the days, something that wouldn’t take up a whole lot of mental space when I was off the clock, which would ensure I had plenty of time to work on my art. My art was going to be my ticket out of [...]

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Ask Carrie’s Mother, Margaret White

August 19, 2011

I’m having a hard time talking with my son about terrorism. I don’t want to lie to him and say that there’s nothing to be afraid of, but I don’t want to scare him either. And I don’t want him to assume that all Middle Easterners are out to blow us up. Where is [...]

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The Third Lonliest Number

August 18, 2011

Dear Murky Fringe: I recently read your post entitled “If One Is the Loneliest Number You’ll Ever Do, and Two … Is the Loneliest Number Since The Number One, What is the Third Loneliest Number?” Which post, I realize, was at least partly rhetorical (and which was certainly the longest post title I’ve personally ever [...]

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Scotch Tape on Why Double-Sided Scotch Tape is Completely Overrated

August 17, 2011

To be fair, I never said he was completely overrated, and my comments were not directed at double-sided tape as much as they were to the people who are all too willing to find the next big star. And not that I’ve got anything against him personally, but when did people start getting so lazy? [...]

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The Murky Fringe Interviews Aron Ralston’s Severed Hand

August 16, 2011

The Murky Fringe: Hey, Aron Ralston’s Severed Hand. How’s it going? Aron Ralston’s Severed Hand: My friends-the ones who aren’t dicks, anyway-call me Righty. TMF: Okay, Righty. Righty: Or Mighty Righty. TMF: Okay, Mighty Righty. Mighty Righty: Sometimes, like when we’ve been partying for a couple of days? They call me Tighty-Whitey-Aphrodite-Righty. TMF: How about [...]

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