From the monthly archives:

July 2011

Self-Judgement at the Guillotine (Again)

July 31, 2011

At some point you just ask yourself, “Could anyone pull the rope?” The answer is, “Yes, even a child could be taught to pull the rope.” I try to convince myself that it takes a certain type of person to watch a blade sever the head from the body, but then I realize, no. Anyone, [...]

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Things I Probably Wouldn’t Have Time For… If I Woke Up Tomorrow and was a World-Renowned Plastic Surgeon in Miami, Florida

July 30, 2011

Watching weekday marathons of VH1 Behind the Music. Sitting on my front porch, swatting at mosquitoes and sweating. Trolling the web for pictures of my ex-girlfriends to see if they got fat and/or unattractive. Watching weekday marathons of Teen Mom. Rearranging my VHS tape collection. Calling numbers from TV-mostly for personal injury, but also for [...]

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Feeling Chart for My Aboriginal Walkabout

July 29, 2011

5-Angry 4-Mildly Frustrated 3-Nuetral 2-Happy 1-Joyous Four Days Without Water: 4 Fending off Dingos: 4 Sore Feet: 4 Walking Solo: 2 Interpreting Hallucinations: 4 Having to Drink My Urine: 3 Fending off Crocs: N/A Visitations from Aboriginal Ancestors in Spirit Form: 3 Throwing Rocks for the Hell of It: 2 Enduring the Sun: 4 Nearly [...]

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Teaching Moment #4 in the Life of Becca Mertz, Age 7

July 28, 2011

It’s okay to be sad, Becca. I’m not sad, Mommy. You loved Chester, and now he’s gone, and I’m proud of you for being so brave, but if you need to cry, Mommy understands. I mean, all he did was swim around. He seemed kind of lonely. Maybe it’s better this way. The passing of [...]

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My Rules For Kick The Fucking Can

July 27, 2011

1. No talking. 2. You can’t throw rocks at me. 3. If you’re guarding the can and someone kicks it, I get to cut you. 4. Wear whatever you want. I don’t care. 5. No kids. 6. Whoever kicks the can has to let me cut them. 7. Can’t have teams. 8. I hold the [...]

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My Pet Pangolin, Edwin

July 26, 2011

Edwin, refusing to roll into a ball at parties. Edwin, refusing to fly coach. Edwin, getting drunk and bemoaning the death of apartheid. Edwin, espousing ill-informed libertarian views. Edwin, calling our next-door neighbor’s teenage daughter late at night. Edwin, asking our next-door neighbor’s teenage daughter what flavor her panties are. Edwin, reminding her that pangolins [...]

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For My Audition Today I Will Be Performing A Scene From Terrence Malick’s “A Thin Red Line” In Which Woody Harrelson Gets His Scrotum Torn Apart By A Grenade

July 25, 2011

“I CAN’T FUCK NO MORE!!” writhing around in pain [14 seconds] thank you.

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Cassie’s Philosophy On Chili Dogs In The Murky Fringe Office

July 24, 2011

TO: Murky Fringe Staff FROM: Cassie Deevers, MFA ———————————- RE: Chili Dogs in the office ———————————- Fuckers! Stop leaving the fucking chili dog wrappers in the garbage over the weekend.   —Cassie

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Tommy Lee Jones at the Plastic Surgery Clinic

July 23, 2011

Tommy. Tommy. What are you trying to do to me here? No. No. It’s unconscionable. I know what I did for Jack Palance. I know what I did for Clint Eastwood. You’re no Jack Palance. You’re no Clint Eastwood. I can’t do it Tommy. I refuse to have another Kenny Rogers on my hands. He [...]

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Leaving the Monkey Wrench Gang

July 22, 2011

 At some point I just stopped caring about the American Southwest and started caring about me.

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Susan Sontag Vs. Joyce Carol Oates

July 21, 2011

    In this dream I have, Susan Sontag is probably in her late fifties, and Joyce Carol Oates is in her late twenties, early thirties. Weirdly, though, they’ve both written all the books they will ever write. And they hate each other in this way I can’t really explain. JCO calls Sontag a loudmouth [...]

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Unrealized Oscar Acceptance Speeches: Kelsey Grammer for Best Supporting Actor as “Beast”

July 20, 2011

Where does one start? My goodness. There are just so many people to thank: Brett Ratner, our director, for giving this old boy a chance to dress up again; Ian McKellan and Patrick Stewart, my colleagues, for their patience and wisdom; Everyone at Fox Studios; My make-up team who worked tirelessly everyday to help “unleash [...]

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Tossing Out the Caber Tossers

July 19, 2011

Everybody knows the Scottish Highland Games are for a special breed of badass. They may not be much on cardiovascular, they may not have six-pack abs, but you don’t want to fuck with them. They scream a lot. They pick up heavy shit and throw it. They drink a lot. They wear skirts with no [...]

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1st Person to Make Fun Of White People For Wearing Turquoise Jewelry As Though It Gave Them Power

July 18, 2011

Peter “Pete” Lazy Badger

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Family Traditions From My Youth: Full Metal Jacket Christmas Viewing

July 17, 2011

When I was little we watched it on Christmas Eve. As my sisters and I grew up and Mom left Dad for a guy she met at work, we watched it on Christmas morning, after we opened presents from Santa. My 1st stepdad hated it whenever anyone said the word “gook” at Christmas dinner, but [...]

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