A Generic Letter of Recommendation For Anyone

CONTRIBUTED BY JAMES BEST

(Brooklyn, NY)

Dear (Company, Important Person, Manhunter),

You are going to love (your name here).  Like love love.  When I hired/found/cohabitated with the person I named, I asked him/her straight up, “Are you Adonis/Female Adonis?” And (name) smiled that bewitching/blast furnace smile and I almost died/explodified.  If there was a screen saver for your eyes, it would be that smile dancing in front of twinkle stars.  So get ready for that/this.

Here’s an example of what you can expect from (your nickname, could be Chalk Eyes).  Let’s say you’re in the woods with him or her.  A bear is there.   The bear is undead.  And he’s learned to use rudimentary tools.  He’s holding two t-squares.  Get out of here, you’re saying.  Where would I meet this undead t-square wielding bear?  And I’m saying, Geez, it’s hypothetical.  Except one time it wasn’t and this happened to me and (your name-o).  And I was screaming and promising unborn children to this beast, and Holy Mother Mercury, there steps in Sir/Madam(make a heroic version of your name like Haroldantium or Sallykazam) and just charges right in!  The rest is pretty graphic but picture a wrecking ball covered in broken glass hitting a giant lasagna with fur topping.

See what I’m saying about (insert your moniker)?  This dude/woman dude is going to blow your mind/excuse for a mind.  I don’t even want to let them go.  No! In fact, NOOOOOOOOO!  You can’t make me.  This letter is a declaration of war on your company/time share/time zone!  Stay away from my employee/person I own!  If you get within a township of them, I will barbecue your family/pet dog Sophiebottoms! Do not cross me.  I used to own an undead bear.

Unless you want to buy this person off me.  Then sure.  Money will do it.  But I’ll miss them.  And I may visit it your place of business/pirate grotto.  If you have snacks.  That’s the least you can do for this gem of a human being I’m just giving to you for the price of a used dumptruck.  Don’t judge me! I have a million reasons to own a used dumptruck. The first of which is to fill in the hole (a cute version of your name, like TeddyBeans or Ruth-a-rang) left when they went to your employ/country/dingo farm.  It’s too painful to think of (your name) clasped against any bosom but mine. Here come the man-tears. Hire them or else.

XOXO,

Dr. James Best, Esquire

CEO and Archduke of (A company you worked at or just say Nabisco)

Tagged as: "Chalk Eyes", bears, Contributed, dumptruck, letter of recommendation, man-tears, undead bears, wrecking ball