CONTRIBUTED BY JAMES BEST
(Brooklyn, NY)
Dear (Company, Important Person, Manhunter),
You are going to love (your name here). Like love love. When I hired/found/cohabitated with the person I named, I asked him/her straight up, “Are you Adonis/Female Adonis?” And (name) smiled that bewitching/blast furnace smile and I almost died/explodified. If there was a screen saver for your eyes, it would be that smile dancing in front of twinkle stars. So get ready for that/this.
Here’s an example of what you can expect from (your nickname, could be Chalk Eyes). Let’s say you’re in the woods with him or her. A bear is there. The bear is undead. And he’s learned to use rudimentary tools. He’s holding two t-squares. Get out of here, you’re saying. Where would I meet this undead t-square wielding bear? And I’m saying, Geez, it’s hypothetical. Except one time it wasn’t and this happened to me and (your name-o). And I was screaming and promising unborn children to this beast, and Holy Mother Mercury, there steps in Sir/Madam(make a heroic version of your name like Haroldantium or Sallykazam) and just charges right in! The rest is pretty graphic but picture a wrecking ball covered in broken glass hitting a giant lasagna with fur topping.
See what I’m saying about (insert your moniker)? This dude/woman dude is going to blow your mind/excuse for a mind. I don’t even want to let them go. No! In fact, NOOOOOOOOO! You can’t make me. This letter is a declaration of war on your company/time share/time zone! Stay away from my employee/person I own! If you get within a township of them, I will barbecue your family/pet dog Sophiebottoms! Do not cross me. I used to own an undead bear.
Unless you want to buy this person off me. Then sure. Money will do it. But I’ll miss them. And I may visit it your place of business/pirate grotto. If you have snacks. That’s the least you can do for this gem of a human being I’m just giving to you for the price of a used dumptruck. Don’t judge me! I have a million reasons to own a used dumptruck. The first of which is to fill in the hole (a cute version of your name, like TeddyBeans or Ruth-a-rang) left when they went to your employ/country/dingo farm. It’s too painful to think of (your name) clasped against any bosom but mine. Here come the man-tears. Hire them or else.
XOXO,
Dr. James Best, Esquire
CEO and Archduke of (A company you worked at or just say Nabisco)

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
This makes me want to stop collecting unemployment.
james, this is fan-damn-tastic. well done, well done indeed.
(insert blase’/witty/nonchalant/semi-insulting comment here)