From the monthly archives:

May 2011

Inhalants Awareness Day at Theodore Dreiser Middle School

May 31, 2011

Who knows what this is? Anyone? Laurie Anne? That’s right, it’s a sock. You put it on your foot to keep your shoes from getting smelly. And to slide around the living room like Tom Cruise in Risky Business. You’re right, Principal Andrews. Absolutely right. None of you kids have probably seen Risky Business. Nor [...]

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There’s No ‘I’ in Team In Training

May 30, 2011

Hi everyone. Welcome. Thank you so, so much for being here. I think it’s so incredibly, abundantly clear why we’re here, isn’t it. We’re here to beat breast cancer in fundraising. I agree, it is totally obvious. What do you call them? Komen. Susan Komen. No, Cindi. Not to beat Susan Komen. We’re here to, [...]

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2nd Interview for a Sign Spinner

May 29, 2011

Great to see you again, Daniel. Have you been practicing? Nice spinning. Nice. Can put it around your back? Good. Flip it. Gotta keep practicing that one. And just a point. Just point to something. That window. Good. Come sit down. Do you know why we do this, Daniel? Yes, because it attracts attention for [...]

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My Sister Jill

May 28, 2011

My sister Jill told me that if I wrapped my naked body in Saran™ Wrap, I would be invisible, just like Sue Storm from the Fantastic Four. The light, she said. Refraction. I believed her, wrapped myself (with her help) completely in plastic cling wrap (our family didn’t actually have Saran™ Wrap; we used store [...]

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The Air Force Responds to a Smug Teacher Poster About the Air Force Holding a Bake Sale for a Bomber

May 27, 2011

“You know something, we will hold a bake sale, and it will be the best damn bake sale this country’s ever seen. You want cupcakes? We’ll make you cupcakes. With butter cream frosting. And no discounts for teachers. You fucking get in line and buy ‘em like everybody else. Think we can’t hold a bake [...]

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Daddy Has A Disease, But It’s Not A Real Disease; Or, Explaining Alcoholism To Your Eight Year Old Daughter

May 26, 2011

Well yes, you could say that daddy is sick. But it’s not like when you had pneumonia last year. Daddy doesn’t take medicine for his sickness. In fact, daddy stays well much better if he stays away from medicine. Well, when he gets sick he prays to Jesus to remove the bondage of self from [...]

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Back From the Peace Corps, Lying About Mongols

May 25, 2011

They’re good people, for sure, you just can’t reason with them. Once a Mongol has made up his mind, that’s it. You could light his yurt on fire and if he said he’s staying in there, then he’ll go down in flames. Huge vegetarians, the Mongols. But they don’t consider blood or the flesh of [...]

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Corner Slinger’s Internal Monologue

May 24, 2011

It’s completely untenable. Completely. In a region where there’s been so many centuries of violence and bloodshed, the vast majority of it—though certainly not all—between the Judeo-Christian and Muslim worlds… Two for tens right now. Nah. We don’t have any raw. Supposed to be some coming around, but I don’t know. Right now is only [...]

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My Pet Rhino Zeke

May 23, 2011

Zeke making me angry Zeke shitting in the living room and then running away Zeke with those stupid fucking rabbit ears Zeke sad when I tell him his ears look ridiculous Zeke hovering a little bit when he runs Zeke turning on the garden hose and putting it in the house and then running away [...]

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The Murky Fringe Interviews the Ram that Odysseus Hid Under to Escape the Blinded Cyclops

May 22, 2011

  The Murky Fringe: Did you know Odysseus before he used you to sneak out? Ram: Used? Let me tell you something about rams my friend: nobody uses a ram. The Murky Fringe: Wait, didn’t he say his name was Nobody? That was part of his trick. Ram: What? The Murky Fringe: He told the [...]

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Ernest Hemingway at the Swap Meet

May 21, 2011

He walked for a time along the highway from where he had parked his car to the entrance of the swap meet, where he gave a woman three dollars to pay for his entrance and also to receive a raffle ticket. They would call out the number of the winner, the woman told him. He [...]

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A Couple of Disneyland Employees Waiting For Michael Jackson to Come to Their Ride (1987)

May 20, 2011

“I don’t mind that he bought the whole day for a private visit. It’s just wasteful to make all those nachos ‘in case’ he decides he wants some.” “Are we supposed to run this on a normal schedule or just when he comes? Like should we be operating as if we were full and he [...]

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Installment 42 of Get It Right, Jackass

May 19, 2011

Foster is his middle name. It’s not “Foster Wallace,” as in “I like to pretend I’ve read Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest.” It’s just Wallace. Dipshit. Garcia isn’t his middle name. His whole last name is Garcia Marquez. As in “I sometimes dream that I am Petra Cotes, and that Garcia Marquez‘s mustache is Jose Arcadio [...]

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Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) Thanks Montell Jordan

May 18, 2011

You didn’t have to “designate a driver, give the keys to [your] truck,” but you did. Having done that, we completely support your right to “reach for your 40 and turn it up.” That’s the difference between a “lower-case G” and the “big G,” which you now are.

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The Murky Fringe Interviews Your Facebook Page

May 17, 2011

The Murky Fringe: Wow. Facebook page. You’ve really let yourself go. I seem to remember when you were decked out with witty banter, iPhone uploads of weird and/or unattractive people and photos from hiking trips and/or tropical vacays. Now you’re mostly crappy reposts of YouTube videos and that “Secret Revealed” shit. Not to mention all [...]

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