From the monthly archives:

April 2011

How I Remember The Order of my Siblings’ Birth

April 30, 2011

Samuel was born first. Sally came next, was second, and has herpes. Shaundra was third, and has a powerful thirst (for grain alcohol). Silvio and Silas are fourth and fifth, ten minutes apart, Silas a surprise, and also has herpes* Samantha was born after Silvio and Silas, loves Miley Cyrus, and is the absolute worst.** [...]

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My Pet Yeti Won’t Eat His Mountain Goat

April 29, 2011

  He won’t eat it if I kill it. He won’t eat it if I tie it alive to a tree. He won’t eat it if I cover it in snow rabbits. He won’t eat it if I release the mountain goat at him, so he has to kill it in self-defense. He won’t eat [...]

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Six Month Review at Biz Tel Corp

April 28, 2011

Hi Paul. Have a seat. I want to thank you for coming in. Before we start, are there any concerns that I can address for you? I’m not really sure. I mean, there seems to be pretty convincing evidence that the seas are rising, but it’s all so politicized now, who’s to say? But in [...]

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Drunken Response to Abraham Lincoln’s Suspension of the Writ of Habeus Corpus

April 27, 2011

YOU CAN’T SUSPEND IT IF I REFUSE IT! …where’d I put my horse?

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Vs.

April 26, 2011

Rue McLanahan or Bea Arthur? Are we talking Maude-era Bea Arthur? Why would we be talking Maude-era Bea Arthur? No. Golden Girls-era. I don’t guess it makes a difference anyway. Bea’s got the reach, the weight. Bea. No question. Rue seems like a scrapper, though. True, but still. Bea, all the way. Estelle Getty or [...]

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Reasons I Sort Of Regret Showing My Blind Date Five Of My Homemade Stuffed Animals

April 25, 2011

1. I can’t be certain, but I think she judged me 2. After I showed her the third one, Bill the Cheetah, she ordered two more drinks. For herself. And drank them really fast. And she hadn’t been drinking especially heavily up to that point 3. She coughed up a little bit of her martini [...]

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Excerpt From My Saskatchewan Pen Pal Letter

April 24, 2011

“Why do you call the place where you keep Native Americans reserves and not reservations?”

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Just When You Thought My Life Couldn’t Possibly Get Worse, It Does: The Musical, Based on the Film Precious, Based on the Novel Push By Sapphire

April 23, 2011

Featuring the Songs: “New York in the Eighties: Not a White Hipster in Site” “You Think Your Life is Hard? It’s Not. Not Even A Little” “I Wish At Least One Aspect Of My Life Wasn’t Completely Shitty (One Day My Prince Will Come)” “Stolen Fried Chicken Is Twice As Tasty As Fried Chicken Paid [...]

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“Casual” Friday #7

April 21, 2011

Well, that’s not the impression I got, Dave. I think you’re being incredibly unfair about this. So, Lois over there comes in wearing a pair of stonewashed mom jeans and a stained fucking Loony Tunes sweatshirt and I’m the asshole? Just let me ask you this: Spirit or letter? Spirit or letter. It’s a simple [...]

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What’s That Smell In Your Bouncy Castle?

April 20, 2011

Excuse me, ma’am, but it is not my bouncy castle. I inflate and supervise. I do not own. As for this smell to which you are referring, I take offense. Would I or someone of my sort come to your place of employment and speak with such utter condescension? I do not believe I would. [...]

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The Murky Fringe Interviews Luca

April 19, 2011

  The Murky Fringe: So, Luca. Luca: Hi. The Murky Fringe: Holy shit! What happened to your face? Luca: You don’t know? How do you not know? The Murky Fringe: I’ve got to be honest with you, I’m only interviewing you because I ran into my high school ex on Facebook and she was always [...]

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Steps I Take To Distance Myself From The ‘Martha Stewart Collection’ Logo On The Mug That I Mistakenly Swapped With My Coworker

April 18, 2011

1. Getting a receipt wet and sticking it onto the side of my mug 2. Calling out loudly “Who’s got The Marth up in here?” 3. Saying to the attractive woman next to me, who probably isn’t looking at mug until I’m holding it up in front of her, “I only have convicted felons on [...]

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Spelling William Faulkner’s Yoknapatawpha for Kids Whose Father Has Abandoned Them

April 17, 2011

Y: Your dad ran away. O: Oh no, why don’t you cry about it. K: Kids, life ain’t fair. N: Nothing you could have done better. A: All fathers get scared. P: Pussies run from their families. A: Always remember that. T: Take care of your mother. A: Ain’t no one looking out for you [...]

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Help Please!

April 16, 2011

I have lost my pet ocelot, Regina. I like saying it in the Spanish better: He perdido mi ocelote. It’s less blamey: My ocelot is lost to me. So, my ocelot is lost to me, Regina. Well, actually it might be more appropriate to say that she escaped. I don’t think she enjoyed the confinement [...]

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Life Coach for a Life Coach-Only Life Coach

April 15, 2011

“Lisa, how many life coaches are you working with now?” “Sixteen as of this morning.” “Would you like more clients?” “Absolutely.” “Maybe you should consider helping people who aren’t life coaches? “That’s a really good point.” “Let’s make an action plan and get burritos.”

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