Perspective Gained from the Wayback

March 16, 2011


When you travel looking backwards, you never seem to arrive anywhere.

When you say Wayback, you have to realize not everyone knows it refers to the rear facing back seat in a station wagon.

And by everyone, you mean Grant Jergens, the richest kid in your school.  His dad drives a Maserati. It barely has a passenger seat.

Because really the definition of everyone is people who are not you, and most of the kids in your school have siblings and therefore have a station wagon.

Most everyone has siblings because their parents actually believe in God and follow commandments to procreate and aren’t atheist pee holes like the Jergens family.

Station wagons are economical and you can see a lot of country from the Wayback.  Mom says it’s the only way to take trips.

Grant Jergens disagrees.  He likes his private jet.  It says Jergens Hand Lotion down the side.  In pink letters.

That’s gayzo.  If you had a private jet, it would say SkyRipper and it would be painted like an eagle made of lava.

When you ask your Mom why can’t we have more money like Grant Jergens, you have to sit in the Wayback all the way through Nebraska.

Nebraska sucks whether you see it frontways or backways.

The greatest thing about the Wayback is looking directly into the eyes of drivers behind you.  Like Grant Jergens’s dad in his Maserati when he’s driving someone not Grant Jergens’s mom in the passenger seat.

The second best thing about the Wayback is telling Grant Jergens during lunch about his dad’s secret lady.  And seeing him cry his tears.

And then announcing to the whole cafeteria how Grant Jergens’s tears will probably taste like money or Jergens lotion.  And as you start to lick his tears off the table, you wonder why everyone is leaving your table.

After that, the Wayback is good for being alone.  One of the seatbelts doesn’t work, so it wouldn’t even  have mattered if you had a friend to fill it.




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