Apologizing To The Neighbor

March 17, 2011

I can’t tell you how sorry I am.

Yes, I’m very well aware, and again, I’m sorry.

No, I don’t know exactly where he would have gotten that from. He’s a huge Tolkien fan, and has seen all of the Lord of the Rings films.

Yes, I’m aware of that.

No, I didn’t realize how that was perceived in the community.

To be honest, I didn’t realize there was a community.

I can see that. And I would imagine that this time of year is difficult for you.

Okay, yes. This day of the year.

Yes, as you say. Because of ignorance. Although to be fair, I don’t think it’s right to call an eight-year-old ignorant, even if it’s technically correct-ignorant: to lack knowledge-and it’s probably certainly not okay to call my kid a fool.

No. I’m not, as you say, stepping to you.

No, it’s not because I pity you. I just don’t, you know, resort to violence if it can be avoided.

I do have to say here that your referring to yourself in the third person is starting to unnerve me a little.

No, you’re not. You’re not wearing any green that I can see. So no, you don’t in any way resemble one of the “clever folk” as I think they’re called in Irish myth. Although I think that depiction is an American bastardization. I think they wear red vests in traditional Irish lore.

So maybe that was it? The red shirt? And-I’m not stepping to you here-maybe the gold? I mean, pots o’gold ? Maybe?

We teach our kid not to see color. Not to be a racist.

Yes, I’m aware that midgets are not a race. And that they aren’t the same as piskies or sprites or dwarves…

Yes, I’m aware that midget is not the correct term.

Yes, I’m aware that dwarf is among the acceptable terms. I meant dwarves in terms of Middle Earth. Like as in dwarf tossing.

Yes, I’m aware-that was the point I was trying to make, with regard to dwarf tossing, that it isn’t cool. At all. Even if it’s consensual.

I don’t know what a salad tossing is, in the way you mean it, but I suspect that I wouldn’t be interested. At all. I do not want to toss your salad.

All I’m saying is, you’re not doing yourself any favors wearing all that gold. Even if what you’re trying to do is emulate an eighties television icon whose had some cultural resurgence.

You know what? I do pity you. That fake ass gold is turning your neck green. Maybe that’s what made my kid call you a leprechaun.

Dick.

I also pity the fool. The diminuitive fool.

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