Ways Not To End A Relationship

February 3, 2011


“I figured we’d break up sooner or later, and your friend’s cute and available right now.”

“You know how much I’ve wanted to study woolly mammoths, right? Well, some scientists said I could come along on a woolly mammoth excavation thingie, but only if I wasn’t seeing anyone, because we’re going to be in the arctic or whatever for-I don’t know, six months? And they don’t want me to be hung up on somebody here. Because that could make me not concentrate as much as I should on the woolly mammoths.”

“I only started dating you to make my mom mad, and it worked, but now we’re getting along much better.”

“I know I’ve gotten you to come back quite a few times when you were completely done with me and had found some semblance of closure, like I’d say for instance that you were giving up on us, and that wasn’t fair, and that I deserved another chance, and that once you’d come back, after I’d promised to change or at least work on those things that had caused you the most difficulty in maintaining a relationship with me, I would actually not change anything and would tell you I needed space to figure some things out, only to repeat the whole rotten cycle over again, I’m aware of how difficult all that must have been for you, and aware too that that period of time now exceeds by two- or three-fold the original period of time we were together before that cycle began, and that it was pretty shitty of me and pretty noble of you to continue to go through with the sham that was our life together, but so I’ve found someone.”

“I probably should have told you this before, but I’m married.”

“I probably should have told you this before, but you and me, we’re not actually married. That was my cousin who performed the ceremony. He just printed his license to marry people on his home computer. And stole those robes from the church down the street from his house.”

“I probably should have told you this before, but I am, like the singer Morrissey, asexual-with-a-strong-preference-for-gay-skinhead-types.”

“I probably shouldn’t have told you this before, since it isn’t true: I’m straight.”

“My uncle Carl left me some money in his will. And mostly I was with you because it was easier than working.”

“I love you, but I’m not in love with you. I’m in love with your grandpa.”

“We can’t see each other any more. Because it’s illegal. And I’m on paper.”


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