From the monthly archives:

January 2011

The Murky Fringe Takes Your Boombox Purse To The Movies

January 31, 2011

The Murky Fringe: You gonna want some kettle corn? Your Boombox Purse: Just get me a fucking ticket to the show. [A short time later, walking into the theater] MF: I’m really excited to finally see this. YBP: I don’t give a shit what excites you. Find me a seat. [A short time later, finding [...]

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Yahweh Remembers the 10 Plagues of Egypt

January 30, 2011

Water to Blood: “When you’re working with 10 plagues, you’ve got to pace yourself. You want to start off strong-obviously-but not too strong. You can’t set everyone on fire, for example, right off the bat. Yet, you’ve got to get people’s attention. Water to blood is terrifying, yes, but nobody is hurt directly-even if you’re [...]

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Ask A Strip Club DJ

January 29, 2011

Dear Strip Club DJ: I can’t get my daughter to eat anything but hot dogs and french fries. Any suggestions on how I might broaden (and healthify, if that’s a word) her palate? Concerned in Catalina Dear Concerned: I like to start off the evening’s set simple. Straight-forward. Some AC/DC, some early Motley Crue. Around [...]

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Metaphor Intervention: “A Tiger In Bed”

January 28, 2011

Laura, you keep saying that Ally is a tiger in bed. We have to talk. You see, not only is that metaphor overused, it’s inaccurate. Here’s why. I’m going to assume that by tiger, you mean male tiger. This is where it starts to get strange. You see, male tigers have barbed penises. Yes, like [...]

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Belated List of New Years Resolutions

January 27, 2011

1. Remember to cross stuff off of lists.

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What Your Brother Steven Can Do With His “Notary Public” Certification

January 26, 2011

1. Send a copy to your father with the words: “No matter how hard you tried to stop me, I made it.” 2. Frame it on top of the 7th Grade Student of the Month Award, which he has displayed in his office. 3. Use it to finally talk shit to all the guys who [...]

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Things I Probably Wouldn’t Have Time For If Grover Cleveland Returned From The Grave to Lead An Army Of The Undead In A Nationwide Zombiepocalyptic Orgy Of Slaughter

January 25, 2011

1. Cuing up my Netflix account so I can see for myself what all the fuss about Madmen is about. 2. Double-checking my tax return. 3. Working up the nerve to ask out Rachel from accounts receivable. 4. Taking my Nana to the podiatrist to get her toenails cut. 5. Deciding once and for all [...]

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Notes I Wrote In The Margins Of My Brother’s Draft Grant Application Intended To Fund His Inner-City Kids Mountain-Biking Nonprofit

January 24, 2011

saying from the ‘hood – too strong? or perfect and real? whose bad grant policies would these google dudes rather see thrown under the bus? prob. bing. good call. be more subtle here minorities? prob no. just say marginalized don’t overstate this this part is great! mention latinos here? mom would love this part! you [...]

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Nobody in Hong Kong Likes Me

January 23, 2011

But, it’s home.

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Weird Neighbor Situation #447

January 22, 2011

What’s that? You’ll have to speak up. I’m a bit hard of hearing these days. You’re having problems with your what? Your Log? Your Tock? Oh. Dog. I’m sorry to hear that. I guess you wouldn’t be having problems with your tock, at that. Come again? What say? No, no. I’m a retired accountant. I [...]

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American History with NFL Hall-of-Famer Anthony Munoz: President Andrew Jackson’s Indian Policy

January 21, 2011

“What policy? Slaughtering people isn’t a policy. People forget the The Indian Removal Act of 1830, The Trail of Tears. It’s more a skeleton in our closet than Japanese internment, and I’ll fight anyone who disagrees.”

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Awkward Conversation In The Produce Aisle #397

January 20, 2011

It has been a while, yes. About a year and a half. You were at the movie with the skank you dumped me for. Right. The skank you’d been sleeping with while we were still together, for which I broke up with you. Sorry. No? Why? Did you decide to trade down again? Oh? I’m [...]

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My Astral Projection Trip From Hell

January 19, 2011

So I’m sleeping, right. having the old out-of-body experience, etc., etc. looking down on my sleeping self. You know the drill. I start drifting east to Cincinatti toward some suburban house with a light in the upstairs bedroom, but it’s not a light, it’s a candle, like ten candles, ten candles in a circle, a [...]

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Mussolini

January 18, 2011

Mussolini poking pins in a map he doesn’t recognize. Mussolini trying to decide between the ceviche and the braised short ribs. Mussolini going in for the high-five and then pretending like he hadn’t. Mussolini saying his own name until it loses all meaning. Mussolini suggesting he and his date go Dutch on the check. Mussolini [...]

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Rude Things To Ask Rock n’ Roll Legend Shane MacGowan

January 17, 2011

What’s your favorite memory of the 90s? Hey, what was the first song you guys played last night? Want some of my beef jerky?

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