Slandered Oil: A Wesson Executive Responds

December 2, 2010

Remember, Wesson Oil will come after you like a ravening pack of hyenas if you impugn their branding through improper use, or the even the merest suggestion thereof.

Dear editors of The Murky Fringe:

It has come to the attention of our legal department that in a weblog post on or about 31 October of this year, on your web site, themurkyfringe.com, you or one of your representatives knowingly and without prior authorization used our trademarked brand name “Wesson” in describing the (really ill advised) practice of pouring heated oil (microwaves heat liquids unevenly, as any decent parent can tell you) in the ear of the protagonist.

Also, not for chug-a-lugging at a frat party. Have you people not heard of schnapps?

While we do not advocate putting anything in your ear, we are especially dismayed that you chose to single out Wesson Oil for this lamentable description. Had it actually been a bottle of Wesson (and here, we can’t suggest strongly enough doing some research prior to writing your “family humor” pieces), the mother would have clearly seen printed in large red letters “Not to be heated and poured in the ears, or inserted via tube into the rectum, or slathered on scantily clad women in a children’s wading pool at a sports bar.”

This is not the first time, of course, that we’ve had this problem. Being the industry leader for well nigh on a half century (take that, Crisco), we have had to fight the kind of brand assumption that eventually lost Velcro and Superglue their right to their own names. And we’re not afraid to fight.

People think that Raymond Carver died of cancer. He didn’t. He died of a broken heart, after we sued his ass to death for just the kind of stunt you pulled in your “family humor weblog.”

Too, Wesson is a family corporation. Bernardo Bertolucci got his (happily enough, as it turns out, the line “go get the Wesson from the kitchen cabinet” being replaced with “go get the butter” is probably the only reason anyone still remembers that tedious piece of existentialist trash), and so will anyone else who, as the young people say nowadays, “Steps to” Wesson.

On second thought, maybe you could get something specifically designed for anal intercourse, provided that engaging in said activity is legal here.

Keep our product out of your ears and bottoms, and our name out of your “family humor weblog.”

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