Fiefdom Town Crier Annual Tithe Drive, c. 1387

November 5, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY MAX LIEBERMAN

(Tucson, AZ)

OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT — PLEASE DO NOT REDISTRIBUTE

ORTOLF: …Which is why it is best to keep the wheat in a dry place where the vermin can’t get it.

ARNULF: Haha, we sure should. We’ll return to Ortolf the Leper’s story about wheat production in a moment, but first we’d like to remind you about our annual tithe drive. Because it’s serfs like you that make this kind of programming possible. You cannot find this kind of programming anywhere else in your village square.

BERWICUS: That’s absolutely true, Arnulf. You know, we invest nearly a Groat every harvest season to bring you this kind of in-depth coverage—that’s over six Ducats. More money than any of you will ever see. Enough to save several of your children from gruesome starvation, or perhaps to secure the services of a lively young heifer.

ARNULF: That’s good wenching money, too.

BERWICUS: But we provide you with so much more. Where else can you hear about the latest hangings, floggings, or drawing and quarterings? We’ve heard from so many listeners grateful for these small distractions from their basest needs and urges in this vale of tears.

ARNULF: So whether you rely on us for the news, or simply like our warnings about the arrival of the evil Sheriff who rapes your daughters and taxes your property according to the inaccurate values recorded in the Domesday book, please show your support with a morsel of treacle pudding or, well—

BERWICUS: Or anything at all, yes. A speck of eelflesh. Vinegared wine.

<DISGUSTING SLOSHING SOUND>

BERWICUS: It sounds like we’ve received our first donation. Thank you, old hag.

ARNULF: We know that any syphilitic crier can provide you with an update on the Hundred Years’ War. We try to go deeper. Who amongst you did not enjoy our award-winning coverage of the recent Viking sack of Monmouth. That story helped our listeners raise a militia strong enough to rob and slaughter the survivors as they attempted to seek refuge in our peaceful—

BERWICUS: Wartorn.

ARNULF: Yes, our peaceful wartorn valley. And remember also that we have the ear of Lord Hew the Cruel—

BERWICUS: Merciful.

ARNULF: —Lord Hew the Merciful, through whose benevolence we are suffered to farm our minuscule, barely arable plots at the cost of a mere nine-tenths of our edible crops. Berwicus?

BERWICUS: That’s an excellent point. Loyalty to us is loyalty to Lord Hew, so pledge your fealty today.

END TRANSCRIPT

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