All The Important Shit I Should Have Learned In School, But Didn’t

November 18, 2010

Yet another mystery I will never attain knowledge of.

4. Cursive Handwriting: Okay, sure, Mrs. Bradley provided instruction in cursive handwriting, but she eventually asked me to print my assignments in exchange for a C- in cursive writing. I was in third grade. I took the deal.

3. Some Sense of World and US Geography: Again, there was a test on the states and their capitols, but it was on the last day of school. I’m not saying I would have fared well had I been held accountable for the knowledge, and maybe would have had to repeat fifth grade, but still. I was twenty-five before I could find Egypt or Turkey on a world map.

2. The Multiplication Tables: I’m not really sure how I managed to slip through on this one. Social promotion, maybe? I will say that not having a firm grasp on multiplication did me no good when I took algebra. Or the second time I took algebra. Or when I took that “math for liberal arts majors” class at community college. Or…

1. How To Keep From Raising My Hand In English Class, Thereby Subjecting Myself To The Continued Jeers Of My Classmates, Many Of Whom Had A Hard Time With Words Containing More Than Three Syllables, Which, Unluckily For Me, Bookworm And Homo Do Not, And Although Mr. Dictionary Certainly Does, They Still Managed In That Case, Thereby Providing The Exception That Proves The Rule*: Who wants to read this next section? Could we maybe get someone who hasn’t read three times already? And who can tell me what the author might be trying to say here? Yes, you in the front of the class, dislocating his shoulder in his attempt to get called on, since although you answered the last two questions (correctly, to your credit), the rest of the class is either sniffing Wite-Out or unconscious.

*Inasmuch as the above-referenced argument is maybe based on formal logic, I might be completely wrong, inasmuch as formal logic is-as I understand it-mathematical in nature.

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