From the monthly archives:

November 2010

When Work People Show You Pictures Of Their Kids

November 30, 2010

Your coworker Eunice, who is the union rep for your company, presents for your approving comment a picture of her son, a high school junior, embracing a stuffed animal in his high school photograph. Do not say: Holy shit. Say instead: The yellow in that photograph, it’s so… vibrant. Or: You know, funny, I think [...]

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Imbalanced Conversations With RV Drivers At Bars, Vol. 3

November 29, 2010

She’s a 40-foot diesel pusher. I’m in the catbird seat, I just need a fuckin parking spot. Totally. Well, damnit, man, I don’t have one. I live in an apartment. Still, what can you do? Totally, I hear you. What can you do. I can imagine it’s tough. No literally, I mean you, literally—what can [...]

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Stalin

November 28, 2010

Stalin throwing rocks on snow angels. Stalin asleep at the mall. Stalin lighting candles to put around his bath. Stalin binge-eating tamales. Like a wet nurse with two floppy breasts. Stalin in Moscow pointing at empty buildings. Stalin like a cow getting mounted. Stuck again in a haystack, Stalin wanting to crush someone’s windpipe. Stalin [...]

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Jazz Hands And Spirit Fingers

November 27, 2010

They aren’t the same thing. With jazz hands, you hold your palms out, yes, just like spirit fingers, but there all similarity ends. Jazz hands requires a kind of wrist shimmy with the fingers maintaining their extension. With spirit fingers, you want to produce the illusion that your fingers are birch or aspen leaves in [...]

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Unsuccessful Segues for Pawning off a Kitten (or a Box of Kittens)

November 26, 2010

But before your daughter died, did she like animals? Well, there are no atheists in fox holes, and that’s the truth, but you want to know the one thing I thought about more than my family? More than the life ahead of me? One thing. One small and innocent thing. Where was I when Noriega [...]

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Thanksgiving At Gramma Maxine’s House

November 25, 2010

Yes, Josh. Tofurkey is vegan. Although wearing a leather jacket isn’t. No, Gramma Maxine, vegetarianism is just a lifestyle choice, not a religion. Yes, I’m sure. No, mom, Mike won’t be coming this year. Because we broke up. Yes, it does make a difference. Yes, it does. Because I don’t want to have Thanksgiving dinner [...]

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Overheard at a Jacksonville Waffle House

November 24, 2010

This has nothing to do with you bein’ in a wheelchair, Sean. You don’t know the first thing about sled-doggin’.

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Shockero

November 23, 2010

All I’m saying is, you owe me. Like, money. You owe me money. How do you figure? I think we’d been dating about six months. It was one of the first times I remember thinking wow, I think we’re actually fighting. And we were fighting about Ricky Martin? Well, if memory serves, it went something [...]

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To-Dos and Not-To-Dos After A Tenant In The Homeless Hotel That You Manage Blows Unexpected Crack Smoke In Your Face

November 22, 2010

To-Dos: Find a glass of water and a sturdy chair Call someone you trust and ask for two slices of white bread, more water, and three Aleve Turn your phone off and wait for fifteen minutes or so Not-To-Dos: Call your ex-girlfriend and tell her what you really think Eat peanut butter-filled pretzels Perform your [...]

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Sid Worthington Defends His Idea at the Aunt Jemima Sales Pitch Meeting

November 21, 2010

Why? Because black women make incredible pancakes! That’s not just me. Everybody says that. A stereotype? What are you saying? No, you’re the racist, Paul. You’re the one who thinks that people would lump black women into a single category. That’s not what I’m saying at all here. Aunt Jemima isn’t a slave. She’s not [...]

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More Names I Posted On UrbanDictionary.Com For Sexual Positions That Don’t Exist

November 20, 2010

10. The Tijuana Grab-Bag 9. Marie Antoinette (Verb) 8. The Quadruple Holster 7. Fallujah Fisticuffs 6. Nine-Times-Outta Ten 5. Golem (Verb) 4. The Toledo Torpedo 3. Cat’s Outta The Bag 2. Reykjavik Right-Turn 1. Sausage Egg McStuffin* *Actually, that one wasn’t me.

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Advice From a Sword Swallower

November 19, 2010

Kid, before you go sticking that sword down your throat, you might want to consider a few things: 1. It only has to look sharp. A sharp sword will cut the hell out of your esophagus. 2. All of this is real. We actually train our throats and esophagus to allow something to slide gently [...]

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All The Important Shit I Should Have Learned In School, But Didn’t

November 18, 2010

4. Cursive Handwriting: Okay, sure, Mrs. Bradley provided instruction in cursive handwriting, but she eventually asked me to print my assignments in exchange for a C- in cursive writing. I was in third grade. I took the deal. 3. Some Sense of World and US Geography: Again, there was a test on the states and [...]

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The Governing Council of the Cat Fancy Addresses Recent Sharp Drop in Persian Cat Popularity

November 17, 2010

Sadly, we have no idea whatsoever. Some credit the decline to a rumor that the Persians are simply “regular cats” with a hairlip, or the “Joaquin Phoenixes of felines.” To us they are simply cats with flat faces, no different than French bulldogs who (inexplicably) seem to be everywhere.

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A Day in the Life: Sports Bar Know-It-All

November 16, 2010

I usually get up around seven or seven thirty-since my company downsized, I’m only on three-quarter time, but they’re still giving me health benefits, which in these uncertain times are very much appreciated, believe me. I usually have half a grapefruit and some oatmeal-keeping an eye on the calories these days-while watching SportsCenter, seeing how [...]

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