Things, In Addition to “Maybe the Dingoes Ate Your Baby” You Apparently Shouldn’t Say to Australians*

July 3, 2010

*A piece of scientific journalism conducted on behalf of The Murky Fringe in various bars in and around Johannesburg, South Africa, during the World Cup.

So, you guys are all essentially the offspring of criminals, am I right?

What the fuck is Vegemite? Does it taste as gross as it sounds? Because it sounds pretty gross.

How does it feel to know your country was founded with England’s degenerate refuse?

Tie me kangaroo down, sport.

Again, not to belabor the point, but do you think there’s some genetic element to criminality that, like, maybe has been recombining in your population for the last century and a half?

Besides Men At Work and Crocodile Dundee, there aren’t a lot of famous Australians, are there?

You’ll come a-waltzing Matilda with me.

Oh, right. Sorry. Can’t forget about Midnight Oil.

I’ve always thought of marsupials as like the human appendix of mammalian evolution-something that we’ve moved past but that’s still around. And, like, your whole country is made up of criminals and marsupials. What’s up with that?

Oh, okay. And aborigines. Can’t forget about them.

Do it, then. Anybody who’ll fight a kangaroo shouldn’t have any problem punching a girl.

To be fair, I love the blooming onion at Outback Steakhouse.


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