Metallica Won’t Be Playing Your Birthday Party Because…

June 10, 2010

No, you're not mistaken. We did in fact used to be cool.

Original bassist Cliff Burton died on Kirk Hammet’s birthday, and he’s been fucked up about birthdays ever since.

Lars Ulrich is afraid of birthday candles. And balloons.

Years of cigarettes, alcohol, and screaming have rendered James Hetfield’s vocal cords incapable of the final high note of the birthday song, and it embarrasses the shit out of him.

That new dude on bass, whoever he is, isn’t allowed around kids.

Your parents don’t have twenty million dollars to pay those rich assholes for the gig.

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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Danlsan June 13, 2010 at 12:34 am

Bucking for another cease and desist aren’t ya.

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2 The Murky Fringe June 15, 2010 at 5:03 pm

You bet your ass. That’s how we roll here at Le Fringe.

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