“Are You Like the Junior Varsity of Midwives?” and Other Questions You Should Never Ask Your Doula

June 13, 2010

  1. Are you sure the word doula isn’t Irish? Have you checked its entomology yourself? You personally?
  2. So, no badgers-at all-in the delivery room? Just none?
  3. Is this a correct analogy: a midwife is to a really important person as a doula is to, say, someone who still sleeps on her mom’s couch?
  4. Other than the yoga ball, what other props do you have?
  5. Can I wear face paint to the delivery room? No not like Gene Simmons. Like Mr. Mistoffelees. He’s in CATS. Don’t doulas watch musicals? Oh, they don’t. They just watch vaginas get like really huge.
  6. What do I have against doulas? Who’s asking the questions here? Not you. You couldn’t get in to medical assistants school.
  7. Which of the following do you believe in: vampires, the Fountain of Youth, that you do anything important besides rub my wife’s back, or Pudding Pops? Me? Pretty much the Pudding Pops. And vampires. Maybe the Fountain of Youth in a metaphorical sense. That’s it though. And spontaneous combustion, which I didn’t list but should have.
  8. When you didn’t get that job at 31 Flavors, was becoming a doula your second choice or your third?
  9. Have you ever been in a room where a woman had a baby without you doing anything? Oh wait, pretty much every time.
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