From the monthly archives:

May 2010

The MF Interviews The Apostrophe In “Gridlock’d”

May 31, 2010

The Murky Fringe: What the fuck are you doing there? Apostrophe In Gridlock’d: I have no idea. MF: Seriously, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Where’s the “e”? How in the world did you get this job and e didn’t? AIGL’d: I told you, I don’t know what I’m doing there. I didn’t fucking place myself there. [...]

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Things I Refuse to Do with My Light Brite…(and the Reasons Why)

May 30, 2010

Share it with poor kids…(get your own Light Brite!) Make the Irish flag…(I don’t believe in secession.) Take it to gay bars…(the Light Brite don’t go outside my house.) Turn it on in the closet…(what do you think I am, a Muslim?) Spell words like “courage”…(man, fuck spelling!) Make a portrait of Jesus…(as soon as [...]

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My Version of Maw-Maw’s Potato Salad

May 29, 2010

Maw-Maw didn’t believe in recipes, and I don’t either. This is suggestive only. You’ll just have to experiment. Or you could, like my bitch of a sister-in-law, fuck it up the same way every time. Sorry. I start with red potatoes, quartered. Maw-Maw used russets, and no offense to her, but I find the skins [...]

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Sexually-Driven Extensions to Popular Anecdotes: Dustin Hoffman and Laurence Olivier

May 28, 2010

While filming Marathon Man with Laurence Olivier, Dustin Hoffman stayed up several nights in a row so he could appear thoroughly exhausted for an important scene with the famous British performer. Upon finding out that Mr. Hoffman had done this, Laurence Olivier said, “Next time, my boy, try acting.” “Next time,” said Hoffman, “try minding [...]

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Salman Rushdie Drops the Fatwa Into a Conversation at His High School Reunion

May 26, 2010

“I can’t believe you actually own a Toyota dealership. That’s incredible.  Me? Not much. The Ayatollah Khomeini ordered my execution. Yeah he pretty much declared a holy war on me for something I wrote in a book. I was in hiding for like 10 years. Yeah, pretty crazy. I still get threats, but it’s different [...]

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I’m the Fela Kuti of Willington Connecticut

May 25, 2010

True, I’ve never been to Lagos. Or even Nigeria. The only time I left New England was to be a bridesmaid in my sister’s wedding in Dripping Springs Texas. And that one time my girlfriend-at-the-time and I went to Tallahassee Florida because we didn’t think it existed. And no, I never ran for president of [...]

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Remembering My Childhood Summers At Camp Smiletown

May 24, 2010

It was always so great to get some time to myself in the bunks while everyone else was at swim lesson. Even as a kid, I knew I needed it. ·

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Rules for Stagecoach Passengers

May 23, 2010

1. Don’t name the horses. They already have names. Like Dutchess. And Ginger. And Phyllis. And Riley. 2. If we are chased by Indians, do NOT yell insults aimed at buffalo. 3. We do not carry gold. Please do not ask to see the gold. There is no gold. None at all. 4. No, we [...]

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No, Really

May 22, 2010

Wait. Before you hit me again, let me explain myself. I understand that the way that came out was wrong. I know that your mom and dad haven’t been divorced that long, and that you’re probably not ready for her to start seeing-wait, don’t hit me again-start seeing other people, and that I probably wouldn’t [...]

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Jesus Waders

May 21, 2010

People will disagree with me on this, but I say that if Jesus were a fly fisherman, he would definitely wear waders. Of course, this is where people say, “Dallas, are you crazy? Jesus can walk on water. What’s he need waders for?” And this is where I say, “Because if Jesus were a fly [...]

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Some People Worry Too Much About Money

May 20, 2010

I am one of those people. Have fun being poor, hippie.

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Overheard at the Demilitarized Zone Concession Stand (North Korea/South Korea)

May 19, 2010

Like I told the other guys, we’re out of Strawberry Pop Tarts.

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Another Awkward First Date

May 18, 2010

And then after college I spent a couple of years in the Peace Corps, stationed in Honduras, and… So, what’s your impression of Kinsey’s work? I’m sorry, who? Alfred Kinsey? He was a sex researcher, he… I’m sorry, I interrupted. Peace Corps? Honduras? Yes, and then afterwards I came back and worked with Habitat for [...]

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Why I Didn’t Watch Yesterday’s NASCAR Sprint Cup Series ‘Autism Speaks 400’

May 17, 2010

· · I’ll tell you why. Because autism doesn’t speak; autistic people do. Also, Jimmie Johnson didn’t get the pole. And I’d rather drink highway tar out of a garbage truck than watch Kyle Busch pull lead.

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