Superhero Penis Envy

April 1, 2010


CONTRIBUTED BY DANIEL MCDERMOTT (Boston,MA)

“I say Spiderman. It’s gotta be Spiderman.”

“Spidy? No way. What makes you say that?”

“Are you kidding me? Have you seen the bulge on that nimble little bastard?”

“What bulge?”

“Whadda you mean, what bulge? His suit is like one millimeter thick; just look at him.”

“That’s not a bulge, Aquaman. It’s a cup.”

“Robin, he doesn’t wear a cup.”

“It’s a cup, Aquaman. I’ve seen him put it in.”

“You haven’t seen shit, Robin. What are you doing here anyway? Nobody invited you. You’re not even a real superhero.”

“I am too!”

“Dude, you’re a fucking sidekick. You’re like Batman’s personal assistant.”

“No I’m not! I fight bad guys all the time.”

“Oh, yeah? Whadda you do? Lay eggs? Shrill villains to death with your piercing falsetto?”

“Shut up!”

“And you’re not even that fast, or strong, or anything. They should call you Chicken, not Robin.”

“Fuck you!”

“That’s it; from now on you’re The Masked Chicken.”

“You’re a jerk!”

“OK, Aquaman, that’s enough. Why don’t you leave Robin alone.”

“Why don’t you go fuck yourself, Batman! You’re just as bad as him. Oooh, watch out everybody, here comes big bad Batman with all his cute little gadgets and his fruity sidekick.”

“I said that’s enough!”

“You two are just a couple assholes in bird costumes.”

“A bat is not a bird!”

“And you wanna talk about someone who wears a cup, just ask mister Batmobile over here. There’s a guy who knows a thing or two about padding his suit.”

“I do not pad my suit, Aquaman.”

“That’s not what Vicki Vale says.”

“What? What did Vicki say?”

“She said you’re hung like a three-year-old.”

“No she didn’t.”

“She said you’re all wing and no fang.”

“Shut up!”

“Look who’s talking, Aqua-man. Who knows what you do out there all alone in the ocean. You probably fuck penguins and jellyfish or something. Do you even have genitalia?”

“Stay out of this, Green Lantern! Nobody asked you. You wouldn’t be shit without that ring. Your dick probably looks like a fucking glowstick!”

“OK, that’s it! Everyone calm down – Aquaman, Batman, Robin, Lantern. I don’t want to hear any more screaming. I mean it. Aquaman, you’ve had enough to drink; you’re done. And Batman, put your mask on. I can’t handle that Bruce Wayne shit. We talked about this last time; when you’re here you’re Batman.”

“Fuck you, too, Superman! Who put you in charge?”

“I’m the leader of this group, Aquaman, and I’m telling you to calm down.”

“You’re not the leader. We agreed, no leaders.”

“We are Super-heroes, and I am Super-man. So obviously I’m the leader.”

“Well, excuse me mister big-shot leader. If you’re so smart then why don’t you tell us; who’s the biggest?”

“Well, it stands to reason that it would be either Hulk, Thing, or me.”

“You?”

“Yes, me.”

“Here we go again. No matter what we’re talking about you say that you’re the best, or the fastest, or the strongest, or that people like you the most.”

“I do not.”

“Oh, yeah? Remember that time in Wonder Woman’s plane when we were talking about who makes the best casserole, and you were all like My cape produces a special additive that enhances the taste of food?”

“Well, it does.”

“Yeah, right, and I can pull delicious-tasting saltwater taffy outta my ass.”

“That’s gross.”

“Anyway, I’ll give you the Hulk; I’m sure he’s hung like a friggin dinosaur – not that he’d know what to do with it. That big dumb fucker would probably hump a dump truck if we painted it green. But Thing doesn’t count.”

“Why doesn’t Thing count? He’s one of us.”

“Because, Superdork, he’s not real. He’s a . . . he’s a thing. He’s made of stone. The question is who’s the biggest, but it’s gotta be real, flesh and blood.”

“You never said flesh and blood.”

“Well I’m saying it now.”

“Then I don’t think Hulk should count either.”

“Why not? Hulk is real.”

“Yeah, but he’s Bruce Banner like ninety percent of the time.”

“You’re right. That’s a good point. I saw Bruce in the shower one time; it looks like he’s carrying a Tootsie Roll between his legs.”

“OK, then it’s me.”

“Superman, you always say you.”

“I say Batman.”

“Dammit, Robin! Are you still here? I thought I told you to fuck off!”

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