Explaining the 7 Deadly Sins

April 5, 2010

Greed: Not sharing your underwear with your uncle, even though you have 14 pair and he has 3 with no place to wash them because “he didn’t make good choices” as your dad says.

Gluttony: Washing down a food orgy of roasted chicken and lamb chops with a bucket of chocolate pudding.

Lust: Desiring a huge food orgy, but without all the chicken. Plus fucking.

Wrath: Excessive anger such as the kind directed at the old man who runs over your foot with his wheelchair and keeps going. Wrath may also include the violence that accompanies such anger. In the case of the wheelchair hit-and-run, wrath would account for verbal assault, such as saying things you’ll regret soon afterward, considering old men in wheelchairs have it pretty tough already.

Sloth: Complacency, or just lying there in a food and or sex orgy.

Envy: Not getting invited to the food and or sex orgy and feeling so jealous of everyone who did that you offer to host your own orgy, even though people say that it really has to evolve organically, that it’s not something you can just plan. You know this isn’t true, which results in a mixture of wrath and greater envy still.

Pride: Feeling superior to your uncle who “could have made something of himself if things had gone differently.” Putting you and your 14 pair of underwear above him and his 3.

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