From the monthly archives:

April 2010

Clarence Thomas on Chicken Pot Pies

April 30, 2010

I’m for ‘em!

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Thigh-Master Success Stories #9

April 29, 2010

It just gave me really huge thighs.

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Art School Hazing

April 28, 2010

Nice brushes. I used to use those. In fifth grade. Oh, you want your palette back? Are you gonna cry? Right, yeah. Still lifes are the best. If that sculpture is supposed to be roadkill that somebody took a dump on, I’d say you nailed it. If you keep working hard, maybe you can be [...]

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Bloody Mary Sets the Record Straight

April 27, 2010

So, okay. Maybe when I was younger I did. I was lonely, going through a rough patch—low self-esteem, chemical dependency issues, unable to break the cycle of abusive, give-give relationships—people would call me and I would drop everything and show up. But that was a long time ago. Like maybe the late eighteen hundreds. If [...]

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Presumptions of Tom Sizemore’s Demise

April 26, 2010

I mean, now that he’s gone, will they be able to make any more war movies? He’s not dead? Well, still.

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Sports-Related Anecdotes Are No Substitute For a Mother’s Love and Support

April 25, 2010

When I told my mother I wanted to quit the spelling team—I was ten at the time—she related to me how Mike Tyson never really recovered from getting KO’ed by Buster Douglas. The point, she said, was never to stay down. Spell “indomitable” she said. I did. She nodded like it meant something. I won’t [...]

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Dear John

April 24, 2010

It wasn’t the sex. You were great in the sack. Even if it was a little weird—a little grandfatherly, maybe—when you folded your pants before getting into bed. And I didn’t even mind too much when you did that thing where you’d say wait, how old were you when Reagan got shot? although the exaggerated [...]

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Professor Dan Deever, MFA (Fiction) Iowa ’83

April 23, 2010

You think you’re ready for the show? You’re not. Not even a little. Sure, if it was all wide-eyed coeds lined up to get you to sign your book, or maybe even your peers, it’d be cake. A retarded kid could do it. I know that retarded isn’t cool to say anymore. That’s why I [...]

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Report for Mrs. Lempkin’s Science and Nutrition Class

April 22, 2010

Things I Know About Peanut Butter, by Rachel Millecker: Peanut butter was discovered by George Washington Carver, an African-American  scientist, but he didn’t get rich from it. Peanut butter does not contain butter, only peanuts. Peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth. Peanut butter tastes very good with jelly. Peanut butter does not [...]

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Ms. Todd’s (Revised) Rules for the Library

April 21, 2010

1. No running 2. No Spit Tag 3. No consecutive check-outs 4. No Alice Munro books published after 1994 5. No dogs 6. No saying “cockblocker” 7. No wincing 8. We don’t have Our Bodies, Ourselves anymore (the masturbators took it!) 9. No bookmarks 10. No juice boxes 11. No Southern accents-not even in jest [...]

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The Smiths

April 20, 2010

Here’s the thing: I don’t like the Smiths. Not even a little.

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Hartford

April 19, 2010

You said I was escaping. I said I left you to see Hartford. You said I was just making excuses. I said well, you’ve never been to Hartford, have you? You said Hartford isn’t going anywhere. I said neither are you, and that should have been the end of it, but you said something else, [...]

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Trunk

April 18, 2010

I’ve always made the best of things. Broke my ankle, improved my balance. Allergic to cheese, vacationed in Nicaragua. So, when I got thrown into a trunk by my loan shark’s henchmen-and there was already someone inside-I decided to introduce myself and see if I couldn’t strike up a friendship. He was unconscious at the [...]

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I Don’t Believe in Bells

April 17, 2010
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Here’s What I Know About Camels

April 16, 2010

1. Slower than horses. 2. Take things personally. 3. Don’t need much water. 4. Huge lips. 5. Hate Minnesota.

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