Tips for Scalpers

March 18, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY MICHAEL ZUNENSHINE (Montreal, Canada)

Rechargeable electric knives (save money on batteries).

Carry crazy glue and wigs to scalp bald guys.

Wear fur coats to easily conceal your spoils when riding home on the subway.

Learn various Mexican and Native American dialects to haggle for the best freelance price per scalp (never go under contract).

Fake business cards which say you are a florist in order to get closer to your victims.

Don’t tell you girlfriend’s parents what you do, give them the fake business cards (if they ask you flower advice, scalp them).

Leave a flower and a fake business card next to your victims as a cool thing to distinguish yourself from other scalpers.

Start a twitter account to keep up to date with other scalpers and scalper related industry people.

Keep your head shaved. This will protect you against competitors and allow you to wear your victim’s scalp in public during the summer when a fur coat would be way too suspicious.

If you have really great hair, wear a bald cap when working.

Wear fake fur coats to avoid bringing attention to yourself from anti-fur protestors who would call you an animal killer and throw red paint all over you (if they argue that wearing fake fur is still symbolically supportive of fur as a fashionable look, scalp them).

If the scalping does not immediately kill your victim, don’t just leave your him lying in agony on the street with his skull exposed and screaming about how they have just been scalped by a guy wearing a fur coat and carrying a bouquet of flowers. Put a bald cap on him and everyone will just think he’s crazy.

If you happen to have a eye for floral arrangements and an aversion to violence, consider changing careers (you already have the business cards, and if you haven’t scalped your girlfriend’s parents, I’m sure they could give you some excellent referrals).

Never try and scalp a competitor as he is probably wearing a wig over his bald cap. Just shoot him in the belly at point blank range, throw red paint over the wound and call him an animal killer (if you attract the attention of other fur protestors who inquire as to why your victim is receiving such treatment despite not wearing a fur coat or even a fake fur coat, offer him your fake business card to confuse him into thinking you are a florist, then scalp him—you can never have enough practice).

Share

Leave a Comment

{ 1 trackback }

  • The ADVICE Machine: “Tips For Scalpers” « The Normal Machine

Previous post:

Next post: