From the monthly archives:

March 2010

My Brief Affair with a Lion Tamer

March 31, 2010

Our spot was the Best Western near the airport. Cliche, I know, but he insisted. Let’s stay out of the way, he said. You don’t really want to hurt your husband. He was right. We met at the Circus. After the show. He let me hold the chair while he whipped the air around the [...]

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Pigs Don’t Fly

March 30, 2010

You didn’t believe me when I told you that bears eat moths, that bears can fatten up on them. You told me that I was thinking of bees, that bears swat at bees as they eat honey. You made some joke likening bears eating moths to whales eating krill. It was the kind of joke [...]

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Fighting with Carlos Fuentes

March 29, 2010

Following a quote in which Carlos Fuentes addresses the fact that he will never win the Nobel Prize for Literature because Gabriel Garcia Marquez already won it… ME: Maybe you’re not going to win the Nobel Prize because you’re just  not that good. Fuentes: What did you say? ME: I said, “Maybe you’re not going [...]

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Patrilineal Highlights for Bernie “Skeeter” Swanson

March 28, 2010

Bernard Swanson (Father) - Part of the team that engineered the adhesive strip on disposable diapers. Dabbled in Zoroastrianism until the excitement wore off. Called his son “Skeeter” because the boy was afraid of insects. Randolph Swanson II (Grandfather) - Flew to Nepal to climb Mt. Everest, then decided against it and had a baby [...]

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7 Reasons Marlon Brando Covers His Crotch While in a Wheelchair

March 27, 2010

1. He’s a sitting duck near the bocci ball court. 2. The character he’s playing is from Kansas City. 3. He always covers his crotch whether he’s in a wheelchair, a bathhouse, a tipi, or a carnival ride that specifically requires you to put your hands on the safety bar in your lap. 4. His [...]

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Street Performer Thought-Mantra

March 26, 2010

Stillness is Strong-ness.

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Vera and Rachel

March 26, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY AMY HANSON (Connecticut) Vera rarely said anything true. “How are you?” “Delightful, thanks.” Vera owed her therapist seventy dollars, had an empty gas tank and her next paycheck wasn’t coming for two weeks. The previous night, she saw her ex girlfriend holding hands with a voluptuous brunette at her favorite used bookstore. “Glad [...]

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In Varanasi

March 25, 2010

My boyfriend promised that when we got to Varanasi, he’d bathe in the Ganges with me. He lied.

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A Hummingbird to 4th Grade Students Everywhere

March 24, 2010

Some of you are going to write a research paper on me this year. At least one of you should have the guts to include the part about me only having sex for like 2 seconds at a time. Maybe it’s not relevant to your rubric (and maybe it will get you in trouble), but that [...]

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Let Me Tell You Something Else About Battering Rams

March 23, 2010

Son, you’re old enough now that you see the obvious connection between our battering rams and penises. And yes, in a certain sense, when we’re ramming that large tree trunk into the closed drawbridge of an enemy castle we are ritualizing the act of coitus, albeit through frenzied violence, our weapon a giant phallus, etc., [...]

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Rejection Letter from Japanese Tea Ceremony Camp

March 22, 2010

Dear Applicant, Thank you for your interest in Japanese Tea Ceremony Camp. Each year we receive hundreds of applications from promising young people hoping to learn the ancient art of the Japanese tea ceremony in the seclusion of the Bershire Mountains of Western Massachusetts. Unfortunately we do not have space for everyone, and we regret [...]

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Julia

March 22, 2010

My uncle calls me his little Jules Verne, which is strange because I’ve never read Jules Verne, I’ve never mentioned Jules Verne or any of his work, I don’t enjoy science fiction, and, as far as I know, my uncle has never read Jules Verne. In fact, if you asked him who Jules Verne was, [...]

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Popes Don’t

March 20, 2010

do laundry bet the under say acrost when they mean to say across save their Halloween candy cheer at the circus drunk dial reciprocate swallow watermelon seeds grind the clutch read the last page first ask for “lightly toasted” shout your name in the lunch room whack the chocolate orange get free refills show off [...]

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The MF Interviews a Gypsy Baby

March 19, 2010

The Murky Fringe: You’ve been tossed how many times? Gypsy Baby: In the 100s somewhere. MF: Tossed at strangers. GB: Yes, tourists mostly. At train stations. MF: Tossed because when someone, some tourist catches you, he or she is stunned and therefore easier to rob. GB: Yes. MF: And then in the confusion, someone-another Gypsy-will [...]

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