Submission Guidelines (Revised)

February 18, 2010


CONTRIBUTED BY DANIEL McDERMOTT (Boston, MA)

Attention Writers:

Read all submission guidelines before submitting your work.  You’ll know you’ve accomplished this when you reach the bottom of the page and there are no more words to read.  If you reach what you think is the bottom of the page and feel stuck in mid-sentence, scroll down and more words will appear.  Once you’re certain you’ve read all submission guidelines, stop and think: Do I understand what I’ve just read?  Is this really the end of the page or do I need to scroll down further?  Am I going to do what these guidelines have instructed me to do?  If you answer “no” to any of these questions, then do not send us your work.  We’re not fucking around.

Word Count:

Submissions should not exceed 1,000 words.

Attention asshole who shall remain nameless but keeps sending us 3,000 word stories about his cat’s favorite toy:  First of all, 3,000 is greater than 1,000.  An easy way to demonstrate this is by removing all those confusing zeros and just dealing with the numbers 3 and 1.  You see, 3 is more than 1.  We know this because if we start with 1, then we must add 2 to get to 3.  So, before sending us your next submission, God forbid, stop and think: What is the total word count of this submission?  And, if that number contains four or more digits, and if those four digits are not a 1 followed by three zeros, then do not send it.  Second, we no longer wish to read about your stupid cat and that yellow string toy.  There is something wrong with you.  We’re not fucking around.

Genre:

We only publish short memoir.  Memoir is a form of nonfiction.  Nonfiction means true, not-fiction, not fake, it really happened, in real life, not in a past life or fantasy life.  Before sending your submission, ask yourself: Did this really happen, or did I just make it up?  If you’re not sure then it probably didn’t happen, in which case you should not send it.  If you are absolutely positive that your story did happen, in real life, and you were there to witness it, but the word count is greater than 1,000, then you still should not send it.

Attention asshole who shall remain nameless but keeps sending us excerpts from his life on planet Lyganon:  We do not believe that you were raised on a three-mooned planet with purple water and talking cantaloupe.  Stop sending us your work.  There’s something wrong with you.  We’re not fucking around.

Format:

Send your submission within the body of a single email.  Attachments will not be opened.  Before sending us your submission stop and think: Did I attach something to this email? Or, to read my story does someone have to click on a tiny rectangular icon that will open in another window?  If you answer “yes” to either of these questions, then we do not want your submission.  If your submission is in the body of a single email but it’s not a memoir less than 1,000 words, then we don’t want it.  Try to keep up.

Attention asshole who shall remain nameless but has sent us the same 150kb attachment the last 143 days in a row: We’re giving you one week to cease this behavior.  If you do not comply, then you will be hunted, bound, shot, and killed.  We’re not fucking around.

Previously published work is not acceptable:

This means that we don’t want your work if it has already been published somewhere else.  Before you send us a submission, ask yourself: Is this story published anywhere else?  Can I open a book or magazine of any kind – you know, those bound stacks of paper with pictures, words, and numbered pages – and read the same exact piece I’m about to send.  Or, if I go onto the Internet, go up to that thin white space at the top of the page, and type in www.anyotherfuckingwebsite.com, is there a chance I might come across the same exact story I’m about to send?  If you answer “yes” to either of these questions then there is something wrong with you.  Don’t send us your work.  We’re not fucking around.

Payment:

Contributors will be paid if their work is accepted and after it’s published.

Attention asshole who shall remain nameless but keeps sending us his checking account information and bank routing number attached to a story titled “My Funny Birthday”: Stop sending us your work.  There’s nothing funny about your birthday, even if cake did fall on the kitchen floor.  Falling cake is not funny. There’s something wrong with you.  We’ve withdrawn $500 from your account just for pissing us off.  Subsequent $500 withdrawals shall apply to every submission received henceforth.  We’re not fucking around.

Language:

English is the only language the editors of this literary journal speak.  The editors of this journal took Spanish in high school but only retained curse words and basic greetings.  We have nothing against non-English speaking countries, but if you are from one of these foreign countries and submit work in your native tongue, then we will have no idea what you’re talking about.

Attention asshole who shall remain nameless but keeps sending us submissions in what we think is Russian:  We do not speak Russian.  You know this because our website is not in Russian.  And because nobody speaks Russian.  We’d curse at you in Russian but we don’t know how.  Stop sending us your work.  We’re not fucking around.

Finally:

You have now reached the end of the page.  Congratulations.  Now go back and reread the submission guidelines before submitting your work.  If, after rereading, you still do not understand what to do, then ask yourself:  Did I actually read the submission guidelines or did I just mindlessly skim to the bottom of the page?  Am I drunk or high right now?  Am I still in grammar school?  Have I experienced anything – surgery, disease, blunt head trauma – that might affect my basic cognitive faculties?  If you answer “yes” to any of these questions, then you should not send us a submission, and you should not read our journal, and you should get the hell off our website.  We’re not fucking around.

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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

1 Kevin Dickinson March 2, 2010 at 9:46 pm

Daniel: If only I could actually implement this, I’d be in submission paradise. This is a piece of genius I wish I could use to deter morons.

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