From the monthly archives:

February 2010

Why I Tuba This Hard

February 28, 2010

The kids from my high school who didn’t get tuba scholarships used to go up to the mountains and tuba-fight each other until someone threw in the towel. It was a free-for-all not unlike a demolition derby except that people got cut and mostly no one cheered. I had a full ride to McNeese State, [...]

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Come Tie My Ascot, Please

February 27, 2010

I’m sorry. I should have asked you nicely. You’re right. That sounded more like a command than a request. You’re right. I’m the one who needs your help, and I shouldn’t have used that tone. Yes, it’s the same tone I use when I’m being impatient, and it won’t make me any new friends. You’re [...]

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Iron Lung Indian Giver

February 26, 2010

Call me old-fashioned, but you don’t just put someone with polio in your iron lung, then ask for it back.

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Mr. DeWolfe Raises an Issue at the Dress Rehearsal for the Jefferson High School Faculty Performance of The Wizard of Oz

February 25, 2010

And I know that I speak for more than myself when I say that no one from Industrial Arts was ever given a fair shake to play the Lion. You know it, Linda, and I know it- Jerry, when I’m wearing the slippers you have to call me Dorothy. We’ve talked about this, remember? You’re [...]

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Omnivore

February 25, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY YT SUMNER (Melbourne, Australia) The only thing I don’t like about the Aquarium is the smell. It stinks. Not so bad as working in a butchers, which I did once for work experience. I lasted the whole week but I never ate red meat again. People get pissed off when I eat fish [...]

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A Lesson in Manners from a One-Horned Minotaur

February 24, 2010

Most people want to know how I lost it. Some assume it just came off like an antler on an elk or a moose. Bulls don’t shed their horns, so when people mention this they just sound ignorant. I’m not judging. Ignorance, by definition, is a lack of knowledge or understanding. Others ask me if [...]

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The Second Time We Made Tahini

February 23, 2010

The second time we made tahini you brought up the affair. Something about the sesame seeds reminded you of Jason. Yes, he worked at Falafel Hut. Yes, he was in grad school. Yes, I initiated it. Yes, he wanted more. Yes, I called it off. No, we never made tahini. You put too many sesame [...]

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About Your Sperm Whale

February 22, 2010

I never minded that you always worried about making sure she had enough giant squid to eat, or that you fought anyone who had a sympathetic reading of Captain Ahab, or that you had a bumper sticker made that read: Save the Humpback, the Sperm Can Handle Themselves. What bothered me was that you never [...]

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Another Brunch with Pablo Neruda

February 21, 2010

The line at Cody’s is out the door. He huffs when he sees, of course. Relax, I say. We’ll get a seat. Not a booth, he says. His double-chin becomes a triple. I talk to the hostess. It’s a 40 minute wait. I politely request a booth, and we get one in half an hour. This [...]

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Sophia Rimbaldi Will Always Beat You In a Staring Contest

February 20, 2010

Because your mother nursed you through kindergarten. Because you cannot control your eyelids. Because Sophia Rimbaldi does not lose. Ever. Because if you were a real man, you would be outside fucking in the rain like Sophia Rimbaldi is right now. Because you’re not Italian. Because your father did not teach you to fight. Because [...]

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Right Hook

February 19, 2010

My toddler punched me in the face today outside of Barnes and Noble. She wanted a book and I said no. I was squatting down to explain that since she had just received a book the day before that she couldn’t have another one so soon, until she’d read the first one. In fact, I [...]

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Prayer After Eating 63 Peeps

February 18, 2010

Dear God, please take these Peeps away. I was wrong to think that I could eat so many. Please take them from me however you wish. If you have to send wild horses then do it, please. Make my stomach free of them, God, and I will do your bidding forever. I will have lunch [...]

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Submission Guidelines (Revised)

February 18, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY DANIEL McDERMOTT (Boston, MA) Attention Writers: Read all submission guidelines before submitting your work. You’ll know you’ve accomplished this when you reach the bottom of the page and there are no more words to read. If you reach what you think is the bottom of the page and feel stuck in mid-sentence, scroll down and [...]

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Bag Balm Intervention

February 17, 2010

I caught my son putting Bag Balm on his elbows last night after he thought I’d gone to bed. I heard the sound of a lid being put back on a metal container and barged in. There he was, working the salve into his elbows like I’d seen my mother do a thousand times. “What [...]

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Uncle Ray Whispers to Me Throughout Most of My Mom’s Tap Recital

February 16, 2010

“…it’s just that old ladies and tap dancing, well, you know…I worry about their hips…it’s like they think because that Gregory Hines can do it…never mind that he’s…you know…well, at least your mother seems happy…which is important…she’s got to have something besides the library…and your father, god rest his soul…what would he think about the [...]

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